I feel very happy now. Very calm and happy. And airy. As if I’m made of some kind of cottony substance, all fuzzy and soft, and it feels good, so so good. Fall is finally here. The air is thin and chilly- I love waking up in the morning and going outside to smell the air and feel the milky light raw on my skin… I have a longing, some kind of a craving for fall, for real fall with colors and dry leaves and smell of chestnuts and wet soil. It’s never like this in Florida.
Last night, sitting outside smoking a cigarette I suddenly had a kind of a revelation, a realization about how much I had let my life run out of control…I thought about plans. Plans that would require long term commitment and hard work. I thought about future with its endless possibilities. I am finally thinking about facing what everyone around me seems to be struggling with these days-the human condition with its hopelessness and finality, and helpless despair… and for the first time I am facing it as it comes to me, without the despair. Perhaps I could change it somehow? Perhaps it’s not how it is, you know? All my life I’ve been feeling helpless and trapped in circumstances not of my choosing, feeling claustrophobic in my limitations and limitations imposed by circumstances. And suddenly I realize that it wasn’t because of these circumstances- it’s because of how I chose to see them that made me feel trapped and hopeless… for surely there’s a way out, for surely every day is a chance to try and change something about these damn circumstances… for every day it’s another day where I get to push the limits of my own reach...
Then I think about the whole creativity concept. Creating a life like you’d create art… how different would it feel if we treated our lives as we treat art? Or rather, as an artist treats his lifetime creation? These are not my thoughts, although they resonate with me so strongly now...
It’s almost that time of the year… a cycle is coming to an end... A phase is coming to a gradual end, the way circumstances have played themselves out, my mindset and emotional state all indicate a logical ending of the old me, and the emergence of a new me. I feel in some sort of metamorphosis. A state of transformation. As if I were a caterpillar going into a cocoon. I don’t know how long till it’s time for me to emerge as a butterfly, but I know that I am no longer the ugly greedy shapeless caterpillar I once used to be.
I feel change in the air. I feel this change within me. I am very happy at this point. I have never been so calm and so happy in my life before. I am growing up. This blog is a project of recording of the process, one small step at a time, one day at a time, a day in a world of wonderful, amazing possibilities...
