And five summers back i wrote:

"I feel like I’m tied to a rope and am constantly testing the limits of my reach. I am standing at the crossroad, in an endless wait for the right tick, right tock, the right moment in time... All i have is a speck of hope, that of a fool, and the fool is me.

And yet, deep inside me i know that I am happy— so i go on holding on to this hope...

It may sound pathetic, but I am not desperate, not even whistful. Perhaps somewhat inadequate. Scattered and split. A little bit cynical, and that is starting to scare me. But no longer desparate. It went away when August was over.
Now it's everything after. And I am happy.
That changes a lot of things.
And I find this almost reassuring."

Indolence

Propinquity

blow the eyelash off your finger.
make a wish. turn it into a dream. draw it, like you'd draw a picture.
paint it with bright colors and whistful longing.

make a snapshot of the dream to capture it in its smallest detail.

that's your dream. it's pretty. implausible yet almost real.

now fold it up, tuck it away and put it in the farthest corner of your mind. to never think about it again.

then one day, years from now, take it out, whipe the dust off of its yellowed surface, colors faded, outlines dimmed, thinking to yourself "i once dreamed about this. i made the pretty picture- i must have been really happy then..." to suddenly realize that you made the dream come true by simply letting it be, and letting it linger and that you're living that very dream in quiet everydayness...

You are where you are and there's no way of going back. not only because it's not possible, but also because you no longer want to- and yet, at moments you see a glimpse of your future, still vague and undefined projected by your past, reflecting everything that brought you where you are now and where you will be at whatever random point in time.

i'm here. i'm real.
i'm breathing. i can see and hear.

i'm happy...

i'm happy to be here. happy to see you. happy because it's a nice day and it didnt rain and that i found a new song and that starbucks has come up with a pumpkin spice latte. i'm happy that the summer's over.
it's quiet.
and peaceful.

i'm in love.
with life.
with this city,
with you.
there, i said it.
can i go home now?

Richmond. Downtown.

the heat will start breaking after the storm-
the summer is almost over...
it's the end of august
and everything after...

It's raining and rain brings relief. I can feel the tension in my neck and my back slowly go away-it seems like i've been hodling my breath for way too long... I seem to have won yet another battle with myself- i wonder if there's ever an end to this seemingly neverending struggle- and once again i have to remind myself that acceptance is the key to understanding, and if i have to learn the hardest way, at least i can be happy for having gotten out of this alive for yet another time.

it's raining and rain brings acceptance
it washes away all doubts and fears.

i can see it clearly now. i seem to know the end with an almost astounding clarity, as if it's happening now... A picture of a moment in the future frozen in the eye of the mind, like a snapshot- and yet this time i can no longer put myself ahead of time and try to live in dual vantage points- for what's between now and the end is what i do not know, cannot see and cannot foretell. i dont even try to. Cause what's between now and the end is an interval of time that's infinite in itself, filled with moments like the present-too bright and too intense for me to want to look beyond it.

Waking to a gray morning of milky light and thinning shadows, to step outside, still warm from sleep, to watch the start of the day... And somewhere close by a train gives a long whistle; the day is slowly unfolding as I watch the sky change color and the rays of sun touch the tops of the trees.

And somehow, in my frenzied and wistful search for “real” life I let myself forget that after all, it’s the simple everydayness of ordinary things that make life as real as it is- and life, as it feels now is truly amazing.

Lately i have been running into people who seem to be carrying some cryptic message for me. Lately i've been running into strangers that make me stop and think whether this is merely a coincidence or there really is a reason for me to stumble upon them. It seems like everywhere i go these days i meet someone who's ready to reveal a snippet of their life to me, all so disturbing and drastically different from my own, and yet each with its own catch, a connective point- makes me wonder what i can possibly have in common with them all when trying to imagine what it's like to be each one of these people the lonely people, strange people, happy people, sick and disturbed people, young and reckless people. To ask myself whether it's them i see or only their stories, making them as grotesques, and i wonder if by trying to, for a moment, be them i am merely relating to that one side, that one aspect that i can relate to and can find in myself as well- and once again i have to ask myself how adequate i am in my perception and maybe it's just me, all in my head, perhaps it's time to once again reset the configurations of my own perception and make it better tuned to the reality so that i can truly connect with what's around me...

This day-of all days

just like the song foretells
it's almost like a desease-being free and being happy
if only it didn't come out of so much ugliness, misery and so many mistakes...
if i could take away all the pain that has been on the way of the becoming.

cause i'm slowly becoming,
and it's happening...

Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on...

[but no- what's not bound to happen, wont happen,
i never asked for more- only what is mine...]

-matchbox 20

...i wonder whether the reality as it is, stipped off of all its illusions and fantasies may appear more unbearably surreal than a delusion itself...

reAl v. suRreal v. unreal

sense of normality, if it ever exists.
the neverending issue of adequacy. how close can you get to objectivity?

do i have to give up the subjectivity of individual perception to be able to learn what normal is like?

Thinking of all the places and faces and things i remember, and those i can't forget and where i am now and where i will be in a month, a year, two years...

It's Richmond today.
At moments it's still hard for me to grasp that of all places in the world this is where i ended up, and that i'm actually here, at this very moment, when i might just as well be say... in Gainesville, or Jacksonville, Minneapolis, Boston or Yerevan for that matter. Or i could have done as I was advised-put my finger randomly on a map and go to a place where i do not know a single soul, like a vagabond in search of real life... perhaps i will do that at some point- i was still too scared to do it this time- and today I'm in Richmond-and i still have to wonder whether this was a choice or an inevitable consequence of the past years that brought me here...

The tale of the cities that never ends...

A whole new city and a new tale of red brick and magnificent trees, an old house in a quiet neighborhood and me suddenly at home in this still unfamiliar place... and i remember how it felt when i first got here- sitting at the VCU campus, struck by the realization of how much freedom i had at that very moment and how scary but at the same time intoxicating it felt... and how i asked for a day to turn into a week, but it wasn't until several weeks later when things started falling into their places... i wonder what could have happened in those few weeks and how things actually did end up turning out, how easily, after weeks of strain, they found their resolutions and quietly settled down...

it's been exactly three months and i can finally breathe... I am at peace and truly happy and even though the currenlt life may feel nothing but temporary, it IS happening, right now and right here, life- the life in slow motion and all i can do is live it, moment by moment, each in its [simple complexity].
before it all dissolves in the air...

and yet, on a brighter note:

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

since i still find the lyrics somewhat touching


-jason mraz, life is wonderful