and a new day dawned

One day too late, a day too soon...

I get out of the cab and close the door, cross the street without looking back, losing myself in the crowd, walking through the mist of raindrops hanging like a veil over the brightly lit city, cars and people passing me by, steam and laughter behind my back… I quicken my pace and walk into the building, climb the flight of stairs, short of breath, open the door to a room that suddenly seems to have acquired so much space, breathing in the silence that has settled in…

There is nothing more comforting and beautiful than solitude…

I stay up late, watching the lights in the windows go out one after another, and somewhere far away it is Christmas day – a life that seems so distant and remote…and once again I’m dreaming of places I’ve never been before and long past midnight the night sky speaks to me and it comes- the snow- light and flaky, a cloud of silver butterflies, bringing dreams to the rooftops of a city that I call home.

just come to istanbul...

Come... i'll show you

how many more dishes did i have to break to finally let go...

to all the unbroken dishes and the unspoken words
unreleased anger and spiteful grudge...
i'm letting it all go
and it's falling, falling at my feet

"every chip from every cup, every promise given up,
every reason that’s not enough
is falling, falling at [my] feet.

everyone who needs a friend, every life that has no end,
every need not ready to bend
is falling, falling at my feet.


[they]'ve come crawling, falling at my feet.

[You]’ve come crawling, now you're falling at my feet.

all fall down...

all the manic taste faces that you pull,
all the action is none of that you control,
the graffiti rolling down on five feet tall,
and the compromise you make for soon.

all fall down...

all the effort makes it all the bigger deal.
all the radio waves, electronic seas.
had to never give? had to simply be?
to know when to wait this blessed simplicity.

in hope shall I trust. in heaven I’ll be staying.
teach me to surrender. not my will, my will.

-u2

Blue morning...

Night is turning down, dawn is getting close and it always comes soon, oh way too soon. And this morning the air smells of snow...

***

Living out the dream

A woman alone in a big city...

and once i said
"i think i am happy..." how do i know?
I still dont know what it is that defines happiness, just as i do nt know what makes me so ultimately happy, but what i do know is what this happiness feels like."

Once I dreamed of decadence. Now it’s all I’ve got—life of decadence, in the very heart of downtown Yerevan, in the city that like me, seems to have turned restless, throbbing beneath my feet with its rapid pace, in its incessant stream of cars, humming, roaring behind my window, glowing at night, dawning its morning light on me as I come out, arms wide open, embracing the day.

Yerevan, I can’t hold you close enough.

Oh the decadence, raspberries and truffles, overpriced bagels and apple walnut crepes, hours spent at my coffee shop, lazy afternoons as I sit and watch the city from above, slanted rays sliding over the rooftops… Late night outings, loud music and laughter, endless talk, and the rhythm of the day and night, day and night as I’m living every moment of a life that I once dreamed of and am watching now to turn into my reality…intoxicated with my own freedom in its absolute shape and form that’s almost too sweet to bear… This is how I know that I am happy. And I accept it, unquestionably.
And I walk on, with the lines of my song blasting in my ears…

“And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
And I kneel cause I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you’re not…”

I kneel cause I want you some more
I want you some more, I want you some more…"

-u2

notes to self

I sit and marvel at the thought of how easy it has become to let go. I’m slowly letting go and every minute brings relief. Every breath comes with that much more ease. No more weight pressing upon my shoulders, no more chains tied around my chest.
I no longer wonder. I no longer dwell.
I’m letting it all go. And I’m slowly becoming.

Too late for fall

The smells of fall, late fall, bitter sweet and tart, of wet leaves and soil, of chestnuts…. And I’m craving cider and cooked apples, cinnamon and nutmeg and roasted almonds, hot steam and the smell of wet soil again, and leaves and trees and rain…

***
Gray morning and the sun hardly touches the ground. Streets half asleep with no one around, and we come out, still warm with sleep and head to the coffee shop right around the corner, where they serve strong coffee and early breakfast and I smile as I watch you eat and the day begins.

We stroll down the streets in the afternoon chasing sunrays and looking for bright spots and you laugh at me cause I always run into people and stumble on the little cracks on the pavements, and we walk into that park set aglow with sun and golden leaves, and I have an urge to grab a bunch of them and throw them all over you and I laugh as you try to take me in your arms, and we fall on beds of leaves, laughing, laughing like kids and I watch the sun caught in your eyelashes that are almost white and your eyes are pools of light that bear the reflection of the sky and the sun is now on my face and the instant freezes in the eye of my mind while the world swirls in a collage of vanishing leaves.

It’s twilight and long shadows start to stretch, The sky turns pale, the first star appears, street lamps come out one after another and the city is lit with neon lights. We’re still in the street, a little dizzy with cold and too much happiness and steam comes out of your mouth and I’m craving for a smoke and at home there is dinner and the night grows dark and thick behind the window, you turn off the light and let darkness in and I curl next to you, listening to your even breathing, fading into you and into a warm soft pit that closes us in…

And long after midnight I go into the kitchen and turn the heater on and we sit at the table drinking tea, and the night is long and an eternity away from dawn and tomorrow we’ll sleep in and I look at you and realize that I’m in love with you all over anew, and yet it’s too late, and I’m dreaming love again, we’re too late for fall and I love you.