the heat will start breaking after the storm-
the summer is almost over...
it's the end of august
and everything after...

It's raining and rain brings relief. I can feel the tension in my neck and my back slowly go away-it seems like i've been hodling my breath for way too long... I seem to have won yet another battle with myself- i wonder if there's ever an end to this seemingly neverending struggle- and once again i have to remind myself that acceptance is the key to understanding, and if i have to learn the hardest way, at least i can be happy for having gotten out of this alive for yet another time.

it's raining and rain brings acceptance
it washes away all doubts and fears.

i can see it clearly now. i seem to know the end with an almost astounding clarity, as if it's happening now... A picture of a moment in the future frozen in the eye of the mind, like a snapshot- and yet this time i can no longer put myself ahead of time and try to live in dual vantage points- for what's between now and the end is what i do not know, cannot see and cannot foretell. i dont even try to. Cause what's between now and the end is an interval of time that's infinite in itself, filled with moments like the present-too bright and too intense for me to want to look beyond it.

Waking to a gray morning of milky light and thinning shadows, to step outside, still warm from sleep, to watch the start of the day... And somewhere close by a train gives a long whistle; the day is slowly unfolding as I watch the sky change color and the rays of sun touch the tops of the trees.

And somehow, in my frenzied and wistful search for “real” life I let myself forget that after all, it’s the simple everydayness of ordinary things that make life as real as it is- and life, as it feels now is truly amazing.

Lately i have been running into people who seem to be carrying some cryptic message for me. Lately i've been running into strangers that make me stop and think whether this is merely a coincidence or there really is a reason for me to stumble upon them. It seems like everywhere i go these days i meet someone who's ready to reveal a snippet of their life to me, all so disturbing and drastically different from my own, and yet each with its own catch, a connective point- makes me wonder what i can possibly have in common with them all when trying to imagine what it's like to be each one of these people the lonely people, strange people, happy people, sick and disturbed people, young and reckless people. To ask myself whether it's them i see or only their stories, making them as grotesques, and i wonder if by trying to, for a moment, be them i am merely relating to that one side, that one aspect that i can relate to and can find in myself as well- and once again i have to ask myself how adequate i am in my perception and maybe it's just me, all in my head, perhaps it's time to once again reset the configurations of my own perception and make it better tuned to the reality so that i can truly connect with what's around me...

This day-of all days

just like the song foretells
it's almost like a desease-being free and being happy
if only it didn't come out of so much ugliness, misery and so many mistakes...
if i could take away all the pain that has been on the way of the becoming.

cause i'm slowly becoming,
and it's happening...

Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on...

[but no- what's not bound to happen, wont happen,
i never asked for more- only what is mine...]

-matchbox 20

...i wonder whether the reality as it is, stipped off of all its illusions and fantasies may appear more unbearably surreal than a delusion itself...

reAl v. suRreal v. unreal

sense of normality, if it ever exists.
the neverending issue of adequacy. how close can you get to objectivity?

do i have to give up the subjectivity of individual perception to be able to learn what normal is like?