i'm depressed beyond all acceptable limits. I'm also bored, tired and unmotivated as i haven't been in quite a long time. It's quite sad to realize that what once used to inspire and motivate me has ceased to create as much as a tiny spark of interest. These days there's hardly one single thing that can hold my attention, let alone interest, for longer than five minutes. The daily routine is overbearing in its monotony. Work is dull and without challenges- and it keeps reminding me day after day how trivial everything is- and most of all- how trivial i am with everything that i once believed in.
i find myself hour after hour inside four walls of a very small room- yet there really isn't anywhere else that i can go. Except to work. and then back. to the same confined space- my temporary dwellings. and i fail to find a way out. i fail to find challenges to inspire me to keep going a day at a time- an hour at a time. and without challenges i wither- thus the depression- the thought of impending stagnation- and so discomforting it feels.
The fact that i'm here for only temporarily doesn't make it any better... Makes my stay appear as a long and meaningless wait. Until it's time to move on. To yet another stage. Temporary again. And that's what's most unsettling of all - the uncertainty, the lack of anything finite. Definite. After all, as it turns out, i do need definitions- i need definitions for the peace of mind and the sake of that sense of normality that now i need more than anything else. i need those definitions so that i can reconcile myself with my surroundings and accept them as something known, familiar, welcomed.
i dont have any of it now.
neither the acceptance, nor the certainties, nor the familiarity of a place that could feel like home. or almost like home.
i'm quietly going insane.
and home is years away from now...
[...]
