Long, long ago, before there was even sand in the hourglass, there was a teeny, tiny dot, so small it was virtually invisible -- that was presented to you as a gift.
At first, puzzled and perplexed, you thought it was a joke. Yet, trusting and inquisitive, your intuition led you to accept it and, before long, to carefully examine it.
And lo, after becoming extraordinarily teeny and tiny yourself, you found there was an entrance of sorts into this little treasure, in the form of a long and winding path. So inside you went, through the densest grove of ancient, moss-covered, bending oaks you will ever see. And before long, you found a shiny, gold, old-fashioned key that had been left upon a large, rounded stone, as if especially for you.
With key in hand you proceeded down the path until you arrived at a massive gate. Just above it there was a handwritten plaque for all who might pass beneath it:
"Welcome to the Jungles of Time and Space, Where nothing is as it seems, yet all things are possible. Should you ever feel lost or weary, Forget not from where you have come, And follow the signs..."
Peering between the wrought iron bars, you could see the entire Milky Way Galaxy and a hundred billion galaxies beyond it. Your thoughts raced, your imagination ran wild, and as you raised your key to the sturdy, reinforced lock, slowly slipping it in, and gently turning... there was a sudden flash of light and burst of sound. Whereupon, seemingly light-years later but, in fact, no longer than an instant, you found yourself in the most beautiful human form, living on the most beautiful little planet, having a wonderful life, a wrinkle of curiosity on your brow, reading this very Note, right here and now.
Talk about a sign -
The Universe
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
On a Sunday morning a couple of weeks ago, when the boy was up here for a visit, I was making French toast, when Mother Sugar walks into the kitchen, sees me at the stove, stops in silence for a moment, gives a chuckle and says “Would you like an apron, Miss?
“No thanks. Would you like some orange juice?”
“Oh stop it, Miss Domestic.”
The boy’s watching the scene in silence. Mother Sugar turns to him and says,
“Just so you know, she isn’t usually like this…”
“Yeah, you’d be lucky to see me toasting a bagel.”
The boy, who has had more than one occasion of seeing me by the stove, doesn’t seem to understand how funny the whole situation is. Later I tell Mother Sugar, that you know, I’m quite domestic, after all.
“Ok, then. Dinner is at seven tonight?”
“Yup. Don’t be late. I’ll heat up the pasta that I made from the box the other day...”
“No thanks. Would you like some orange juice?”
“Oh stop it, Miss Domestic.”
The boy’s watching the scene in silence. Mother Sugar turns to him and says,
“Just so you know, she isn’t usually like this…”
“Yeah, you’d be lucky to see me toasting a bagel.”
The boy, who has had more than one occasion of seeing me by the stove, doesn’t seem to understand how funny the whole situation is. Later I tell Mother Sugar, that you know, I’m quite domestic, after all.
“Ok, then. Dinner is at seven tonight?”
“Yup. Don’t be late. I’ll heat up the pasta that I made from the box the other day...”
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Slowly, reluctantly I am starting to fall into a routine. Despite my initial dismay, frustration and disappointment and after careful consideration of all my options, including dropping out or transferring, I finally came to realize that at this point the most rational thing I can do is stay exactly where I am and finish what I have started. Not that the issues that I have with the program, the school itself and the educational system in general are going to go away, or I am going to feel less of a conformist – merely a realization that with all things considered, including costs and benefits, staying here is perhaps the best option, especially since I will be out of here after the end of the academic year, only six months of internship away from getting the damn degree.
So now I’m getting sucked into the routine. Classes, assignments, midterm exams, group meetings here, community meetings there, lectures, seminars… I’d say I’m busy, except that I do not feel like what I do on daily basis is important or matters on the grand scheme. I’m merely going through motions without much excitement or motivation. I am not very productive, despite the fact that I’m on top of my classes; I don’t accomplish much, contrary to what my grades so far can tell; I feel like I waste too much time, sulk too much, watch too much TV. I feel like I am constantly trying to keep my academic life separate from the rest, I feel as if the rest of my life is somewhat on hold, and I’m here, merely biding time.
I feel like I’ve been biding my time for way too long. The past three years have been nothing but continuation of a transitional state, one temporary stay after another. It’s getting old, or perhaps it’s me who’s getting old and am tired and in need of permanence, stability, shape and order, less uncertainty…
I feel in constant conflict with myself. What I seem to want these days overlaps with what I need; where I seem to be moving towards to seems to not be where I want to be. It’s been a continuous, repetitive theme for quite a while, regardless of my daily routine. I am starting to forget what it is like to live in the moment. I feel like I’m starting to forget how to appreciate my day. I am starting to forget what it is that truly matters and am falling for promises for some distant future that I’m not sure I even want…
For now it’s the routine – school, classes, assignments, meetings here and there. I am, in a way busy, although none of it is either all that exciting or important in the grand scheme. And even if I know that the smartest thing for right now is to stay exactly where I am, the smartest thing may not necessarily be what is best for me.
So now I’m getting sucked into the routine. Classes, assignments, midterm exams, group meetings here, community meetings there, lectures, seminars… I’d say I’m busy, except that I do not feel like what I do on daily basis is important or matters on the grand scheme. I’m merely going through motions without much excitement or motivation. I am not very productive, despite the fact that I’m on top of my classes; I don’t accomplish much, contrary to what my grades so far can tell; I feel like I waste too much time, sulk too much, watch too much TV. I feel like I am constantly trying to keep my academic life separate from the rest, I feel as if the rest of my life is somewhat on hold, and I’m here, merely biding time.
I feel like I’ve been biding my time for way too long. The past three years have been nothing but continuation of a transitional state, one temporary stay after another. It’s getting old, or perhaps it’s me who’s getting old and am tired and in need of permanence, stability, shape and order, less uncertainty…
I feel in constant conflict with myself. What I seem to want these days overlaps with what I need; where I seem to be moving towards to seems to not be where I want to be. It’s been a continuous, repetitive theme for quite a while, regardless of my daily routine. I am starting to forget what it is like to live in the moment. I feel like I’m starting to forget how to appreciate my day. I am starting to forget what it is that truly matters and am falling for promises for some distant future that I’m not sure I even want…
For now it’s the routine – school, classes, assignments, meetings here and there. I am, in a way busy, although none of it is either all that exciting or important in the grand scheme. And even if I know that the smartest thing for right now is to stay exactly where I am, the smartest thing may not necessarily be what is best for me.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Before I can even start thinking about development...
“I will never forget the look of hope on the face of the farmer, as I watched him sign the loan agreement and handed out the loan in the amount of two hundred dollars. This would help him repair his old Soviet tractor and buy seeds for next year’s crop. He was happy. So was I. This was my first loan disbursement during the month of internship at FINCA Armenia. Since then I have seen the same expression of hope and gratitude on many faces, which has been the best reward in return to my work and the greatest source of inspiration. I do believe that it is possible to make a difference in the lives of people, however small the efforts and changes might appear at first glance.”
I applied to Brandies with a genuine desire to learn about development. Ranking among the best in the field, the program offered an alternative, “holistic” approach to global development issues, covering a wide range from poverty reduction to global health, to environmental protection to sustainability. At the time my knowledge of “development at work” was based on observation rather than first hand experience, and likewise, my understanding of development was more intuitive than based on existing theories and approaches or backed by empirical evidence.
I was driven by belief that it was “possible to make a difference in the lives of people, however small the efforts and changes might appear at first glance. ” I also felt that those who are more fortunate bear a certain responsibility towards those who are born without their basic rights and opportunities. To me development meant creating opportunities to those who are born without them, as further rephrased by one of my professors as “development is expanding human choices.”
By the time I got to Brandeis, I had read, if not significant, at least certain amount of literature that turned my aspirations to hardcore interrogations, my desire to learn how to achieve development to skeptical “why do existing approaches fail one after another,” and “are there any alternatives other than numerous attempts to achieve blueprint, universally applicable models that act more like band-aids than true solutions to existing issues?”
As I delve deeper and deeper in existing challenges facing development, I am overwhelmed by array of issues that arise as I attempt to answer even one single question. The misadventures of development practitioners in the field during the past decades, as phrased by my beloved Bill Easterly, leave little to no hope or reason to adhere to any given approach or method. Even more so, in the course of time, seemingly simple and well defined development objectives have been becoming more and more obscure as the attempts to overcome them are meeting bigger and bigger obstacles.
As reluctant as the field appears to be to admit its shortcomings and ignorance when it comes to achieving worldwide development, it is becoming obvious that if you don’t know what works, chances are you have little to nothing to teach about how to achieve development. The most you can do is to critique the past approaches, learn from past mistakes and search for alternatives that may not necessarily guarantee any tangible result. However, the first step in even trying to move towards development is to accept the fact that we are, initially, ignorant in the field and do not know how to achieve development, as our failures indicate, as opposed to pretending that we know what we’re doing and giving far reaching promises such as Millennium Development Goals stand today.
From this viewpoint, I cannot help but consider the moral implications of my choice. Medical students, before starting their practice, swear under oath to do no harm. There is no such oath for those practicing development. And yet, at this point it only feels as if we’re the blind trying to lead the meek, without stopping to question whether we’re doing good or making things even worse. Do we have the right to treat social policies as experiments of some kind and thrive to achieve development for the sake of development only without stopping to consider the lives we’re aiming to alter? Do we have the knowledge? Do we have the strength? Do we have the ethical right, even if our intent is driven by nothing but goodwill? Is our intent driven by goodwill alone? Is goodwill alone enough to try and accomplish something that’s rooted deep into centuries and challenges such basic fundamentals as justice, equality, basic rights and needs?
The hardest part of this journey is not the academic work (or in my case, the lack of challenge that I’m faced with these days). Nor is it the professional pressure or genuinity of my intent. It’s not even the over increasing complexity of social, political and economic challenges that the field of development faces. The hardest thing, as this point is finding answers to the ethical questions, without reconciliation of which I do not think I’ll be able to go on.
I applied to Brandies with a genuine desire to learn about development. Ranking among the best in the field, the program offered an alternative, “holistic” approach to global development issues, covering a wide range from poverty reduction to global health, to environmental protection to sustainability. At the time my knowledge of “development at work” was based on observation rather than first hand experience, and likewise, my understanding of development was more intuitive than based on existing theories and approaches or backed by empirical evidence.
I was driven by belief that it was “possible to make a difference in the lives of people, however small the efforts and changes might appear at first glance. ” I also felt that those who are more fortunate bear a certain responsibility towards those who are born without their basic rights and opportunities. To me development meant creating opportunities to those who are born without them, as further rephrased by one of my professors as “development is expanding human choices.”
By the time I got to Brandeis, I had read, if not significant, at least certain amount of literature that turned my aspirations to hardcore interrogations, my desire to learn how to achieve development to skeptical “why do existing approaches fail one after another,” and “are there any alternatives other than numerous attempts to achieve blueprint, universally applicable models that act more like band-aids than true solutions to existing issues?”
As I delve deeper and deeper in existing challenges facing development, I am overwhelmed by array of issues that arise as I attempt to answer even one single question. The misadventures of development practitioners in the field during the past decades, as phrased by my beloved Bill Easterly, leave little to no hope or reason to adhere to any given approach or method. Even more so, in the course of time, seemingly simple and well defined development objectives have been becoming more and more obscure as the attempts to overcome them are meeting bigger and bigger obstacles.
As reluctant as the field appears to be to admit its shortcomings and ignorance when it comes to achieving worldwide development, it is becoming obvious that if you don’t know what works, chances are you have little to nothing to teach about how to achieve development. The most you can do is to critique the past approaches, learn from past mistakes and search for alternatives that may not necessarily guarantee any tangible result. However, the first step in even trying to move towards development is to accept the fact that we are, initially, ignorant in the field and do not know how to achieve development, as our failures indicate, as opposed to pretending that we know what we’re doing and giving far reaching promises such as Millennium Development Goals stand today.
From this viewpoint, I cannot help but consider the moral implications of my choice. Medical students, before starting their practice, swear under oath to do no harm. There is no such oath for those practicing development. And yet, at this point it only feels as if we’re the blind trying to lead the meek, without stopping to question whether we’re doing good or making things even worse. Do we have the right to treat social policies as experiments of some kind and thrive to achieve development for the sake of development only without stopping to consider the lives we’re aiming to alter? Do we have the knowledge? Do we have the strength? Do we have the ethical right, even if our intent is driven by nothing but goodwill? Is our intent driven by goodwill alone? Is goodwill alone enough to try and accomplish something that’s rooted deep into centuries and challenges such basic fundamentals as justice, equality, basic rights and needs?
The hardest part of this journey is not the academic work (or in my case, the lack of challenge that I’m faced with these days). Nor is it the professional pressure or genuinity of my intent. It’s not even the over increasing complexity of social, political and economic challenges that the field of development faces. The hardest thing, as this point is finding answers to the ethical questions, without reconciliation of which I do not think I’ll be able to go on.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Doris Lessing Wins the Nobel Prize for Literature
Doris Lessing, "[the] epicist of the female experience, who with scepticism, fire and visionary power has subjected a divided civilisation to scrutiny," according to NobelPrize.org., wins the Nobel Prize for Literature, 2007.
Perhaps my most favorite writer of all times, whose books have impacted and shaped me like no other literary work has done. The Golden Notebook my one and only and all time bible to free womanhood is perhaps one of the greatest analysis of the forces, events and phenomena that shaped the post modern world depicting conflict at every level of fragmented society as we desperately fight and resist the limitations of human condition.
It makes me extremely, ecstatically happy to learn that the prize went to her, one of the greatest visionaries of out times.
For full stories, read here and here.
* Photograph courtesy to CBC.ca
Monday, October 08, 2007
This is actually starting to get a little scary
Only yesterday, through sobs and tears I mumbled, half legibly
"When you want something so badly and you don't get it, it hurts so bad that you stop believing that you will ever get anything you really truly want..."
And this morning:
Actually, Nika, it's not that you want stuff that you don' t have, but that you want stuff that you think you don't have.
And the best way to change this is to begin thinking that you have it.
"Oh, there's my electric, fully loaded, 2008 Habitron cloud maker!!!"
The Universe
"When you want something so badly and you don't get it, it hurts so bad that you stop believing that you will ever get anything you really truly want..."
And this morning:
Actually, Nika, it's not that you want stuff that you don' t have, but that you want stuff that you think you don't have.
And the best way to change this is to begin thinking that you have it.
"Oh, there's my electric, fully loaded, 2008 Habitron cloud maker!!!"
The Universe
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Are you playing with me, Universe?
Seriously, first this:
Talking a lot about something that bothers you, Nika, is a pretty good sign that you've got something huge, and profoundly liberating, to learn.
Whooohooooo!
The Universe
and then...
First, as a child, it seems like the entire world is there for you and you rush to drink from its every cup, sometimes wondering to yourself how anything could ever be more fun.
Then, as you grow older, if you're observant, you realize much of what you enjoy was made possible by the contributions, work, and labor of those who came before you, and you're taken aback, disappointed even , because with maturity you can now see cracks in the façades, imperfections in the details, and 10,000 ways it could have all been done better.
At which point, folks typically choose one of two paths: Spend a lifetime lamenting how far from perfect things are. Or, to one degree or another, roll up their sleeves and pitch in.
And should they choose the latter with gusto, dear Nika, they will come to know, to the core of their sacred being, that the differences they might make in the world cannot be made by another. And then they will discover the answer to their often-wondered childhood question.... That the most fun one can have in time and space comes from making such a difference, and that the joy derived from serving is 10,000 times that of being served.
At your service -
The Universe
Ok, i get it, i'll stop the bitching now.
Talking a lot about something that bothers you, Nika, is a pretty good sign that you've got something huge, and profoundly liberating, to learn.
Whooohooooo!
The Universe
and then...
First, as a child, it seems like the entire world is there for you and you rush to drink from its every cup, sometimes wondering to yourself how anything could ever be more fun.
Then, as you grow older, if you're observant, you realize much of what you enjoy was made possible by the contributions, work, and labor of those who came before you, and you're taken aback, disappointed even , because with maturity you can now see cracks in the façades, imperfections in the details, and 10,000 ways it could have all been done better.
At which point, folks typically choose one of two paths: Spend a lifetime lamenting how far from perfect things are. Or, to one degree or another, roll up their sleeves and pitch in.
And should they choose the latter with gusto, dear Nika, they will come to know, to the core of their sacred being, that the differences they might make in the world cannot be made by another. And then they will discover the answer to their often-wondered childhood question.... That the most fun one can have in time and space comes from making such a difference, and that the joy derived from serving is 10,000 times that of being served.
At your service -
The Universe
Ok, i get it, i'll stop the bitching now.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
I have been quiet for a while. I have also been down, depressed, disappointed, frustrated and apathetic about this whole school thing (and not only that, but that’s a whole other topic for discussion that I won’t go into at this point). I guess I am really having trouble with adjustment – but it’s the adjustment of my expectations rather than getting used to my new surroundings that is giving me the pains. I do not like the program – to put it as simply as I can. What on paper promised to be an academically rigorous top level education, in practice proved to lack challenge and be as full of bullshit as everything else. I’d follow Tamara’s advice and try to create my own learning path in this whole schooling process. In fact it looks like the only thing I can do in order to survive the next two semesters or so. And yet, at the same time, I cannot hold down the whole “what the fuck” question – the somewhat petty, but at the same time rather tangible and legitimate concern of mine – the financial cost. To pay a fortune for what does not hold to its promise? Am I simply paying for the name rather than quality? Am I buying rather than earning this degree? Surely it’s not groundbreaking news that education is some kind of business in its own way – but can’t you be at least a little subtle about it?
At this point I’m not sure what to do about what seems to cause me such great frustration and pain. Of course I could always quit, go back to Richmond, or home, or anywhere else for that matter, get a more or less satisfying job, do something I’ve always been good at doing – the mundane, repetitive everyday tasks, without expecting any immediate rewards. Or work for a non-profit, grassroots, community based development something or another – honestly, I don’t even NEED a degree to be able to do that – so what the hell am I doing wasting time and money?
But then, what little rationality I have insists that I give it at least another month or two, bite the bullet and go on, finish what I have started because, just like my boss told me– all I need is a piece of paper saying that I’ve got a degree, I’ll be better off with it than without it. But then, I have to question how good I am in playing along the pretense game and how I will feel about myself when all is done and finished. A hypocrite? A conformist? A hopeless cynic? All of the above? I do know bullshit when I see it. I recognize it from miles and miles away. As hard as I try, I cannot quite ignore it – at this point it’s only a matter of further exercising my skills to cope with it.
Maybe I will, after all, get something out of this on top of master’s degree – the perfected skill of coping with bullshit that can always come in handy in all aspects of life. Will it be worth forty grand? I guess only time will tell.
At this point I’m not sure what to do about what seems to cause me such great frustration and pain. Of course I could always quit, go back to Richmond, or home, or anywhere else for that matter, get a more or less satisfying job, do something I’ve always been good at doing – the mundane, repetitive everyday tasks, without expecting any immediate rewards. Or work for a non-profit, grassroots, community based development something or another – honestly, I don’t even NEED a degree to be able to do that – so what the hell am I doing wasting time and money?
But then, what little rationality I have insists that I give it at least another month or two, bite the bullet and go on, finish what I have started because, just like my boss told me– all I need is a piece of paper saying that I’ve got a degree, I’ll be better off with it than without it. But then, I have to question how good I am in playing along the pretense game and how I will feel about myself when all is done and finished. A hypocrite? A conformist? A hopeless cynic? All of the above? I do know bullshit when I see it. I recognize it from miles and miles away. As hard as I try, I cannot quite ignore it – at this point it’s only a matter of further exercising my skills to cope with it.
Maybe I will, after all, get something out of this on top of master’s degree – the perfected skill of coping with bullshit that can always come in handy in all aspects of life. Will it be worth forty grand? I guess only time will tell.
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