***

I know it’s been a while. Long drawn silences like this seem to have become a periodic occurrence. My other daily commitments draw my attention away from this little creation of mine, even though I know that at a given time I could probably write about at least half a dozen topics that bounce around my head, neither fully formed nor expressed.

The truth is, more often than not, my cognitive process as of late has been revolving around numbers, and even when I am not solving one of these crazy multivariate optimization sets, I catch myself thinking in numbers, thinking about numbers and even dreaming in numbers.

I am weathering this semester quite well. It has been much harder than any of my past academic experiences, but that’s the whole beauty of it. I am amazed that among all the Econ, Stats and Math majors, I am performing just as well. Even if I did start with a relative disadvantage, even if I, as one of my professors warned me, was facing certain challenges in a particular class since I did not have a proper background in statistics, I feel comfortable, capable and at home in this new solace of mine.

My love affair with math is in full swing. Even though I am here to study economics, I seem to be more interested in mathematical expression of a given concept, than its real-world implications and interpretations. I know there is a certain danger of becoming myopic if I let this become a deeply engraved habit. After all, the real world does not behave in a rational or predictable way, in real world I do not have the luxury of holding other things constant and since it is far from being as perfect as mathematical models are.

Yet, as a recovering perfectionist, I seem to have found a new and fascinating outlet to channel my obsessions. Math is perfection. A kind of perfection that can be obtained. A kind of excellence that can be achieved by application of pure logic and rationality and a few straightforward rules. It’s simple and beautiful even in its most complicated problems. Besides being truly and deeply fascinated by it, I find endless comfort in it, since as fucked up as this may sound, it allows me a chance to reach for perfection without having to starve myself or throw up all over myself or annihilate myself with self-loathing and hatred. And I find it just as remarkable as rewarding.