Math Follows Me Wherever I Go

Note: This post is partly inspired by the following that I read a few weeks ago over at The Upside of Entropy. By the way, this link is supposed to tell you whether you’re right-brained or left brained. Although at first my little dancer was turning counter-clockwise, it stopped and started turning clock-wise after a couple of minutes. I am not sure what that means. Another multiple choice test kindly informed me that I use 55% of my left brain and 45% of my right brain, if you were wondering. Did I tell you that I simply hate taking multiple choice tests in general? Mostly because my answer usually does not fit neatly into any of the listed categories. But judging by the results I am more left-brained than right-brained, which means that I use logic, base my decisions on facts, am supposedly good at math and sciences, like order, form strategies, have a good sense of reality and am an overall pretty rational human being.

I am not sure how accurate this little number is, but the fact that it finds me left-brained comes as a bit of a surprise. If someone asked me what my best attributes were, rationality and logic would probably not be at the top of my list. See, I do not have the best track record for being “rational.” I’ve been known for making pretty irrational decisions throughout my life – even if they sort of made sense to me, my justifications were too twisted, skewed and far-fetched to even remotely resemble rational. You can get a flavor of it in an angry rant that I wrote to myself a couple of years ago. However, I will leave the element of rationality when it comes to adult real life decisions aside, and go back to the subject matter of left-brainedness at hand and apply it to my love/fear relationship with mathematics.

I was born into a family of scientists (my dad was a physicist, my mother is a biologist, my brother is a programmer, one of my grandmothers was a math teacher, I have an uncle who’s a doctor of chemistry, etc., etc.). Needless to say, my parents made a special effort to develop my “scientific” reasoning. I have been exposed to natural sciences since early childhood. See, at the age of five I knew more about insects and electricity than your average high schooler. My obsession with butterflies and cosmology comes from the early years of my formation as well. What does it have to do with math, you might ask? Well, having a physicist as a father would be one. And like all physicists that I’ve known in my entire life (and I’ve known quite a few – after all, my dad had many physicist friends alike), my father was obsessed with math and firmly believed that the best way of testing one’s intelligence was to give them a test in math. I am not going to argue for or against this belief – I am bringing this up merely to show you how highly math was valued in my family.

So my dad had this habit of giving me neat mathematical puzzles to solve – sometimes at dinner table, sometimes on the way to and from school. Some of these puzzles were on probabilities, which as an eight year old, I wasn’t able to solve. So my dad, jokingly and lovingly would mention that I am not all that bright after all. While I know that my dad was doing it merely to tease me and get my “mathematical” mind working, I think this was one and only and probably the worst pedagogical move he had ever made while bringing me up. It gave a complex - I am not all that bright when it comes to math. Well, I do have to admit that I am not as bright as either my dad or my brother when it comes to math (we’re talking genius here). And math geniuses have a certain way of thinking – they think in numbers, formulas, functions, whatever. That’s not how I think. Actually for a while I was pretty obsessed as to how exactly it was that I thought – that is whether I thought in concepts or words – but after having spent five years supposedly studying linguistics, I still haven’t found an answer to my question. But that’s a different topic that I won’t get into here – those who might have something to contribute are welcome to comment away.

Back to math – as an eight-year-old confused with probability problems I thought that math wasn’t my thing. I was good with words. I wrote pretty good essays even when in middle school, I knew how to speak well and speak impressively. But, given the fact that my primary Soviet education was pretty rigorous, with strong concentration on math and sciences, I did pretty well in those subjects as well. I loved biology. I really liked physics and chemistry. I got straight As in algebra and geometry. Until I decided to switch from English advanced school to math advanced school when I reached high school, mainly because my mother used to teach there, I had friends there and liked the teachers better. Needless to say, my childhood complex came back - I was horrified of not doing well in math (by that time we were covering trigonometry, spatial geometry and derivative calculus). Although my mother thought that my fears were ungrounded, she decided that it would be a good idea to ask one of my dad’s friends who was preparing students for college entrance math exams at the time to tutor me as well.[*]

So I started studying math with my dad’s friend, who was not only the best math teacher one could ever wish for, but was also one of the most patient and humble people that I have ever met. Besides building a solid foundation that helped me understand pretty complex mathematical concepts, he taught me the most important lesson that I could ever learn – if you want to be good at math you must not fear it. “Both you and me are people of average capabilities” he would tell me “one way of getting good at math is to practice enough.” I guess he was right, because I not only overcame my math phobia, but ended up really loving it to an extent that it would give me a high. I would look at a logarithmic equation and automatically picture its function in my head. Trigonometry came to me as a breeze. I thought derivative were cool. I thought math in general was cool. In the matter of several months we managed to finish the entire math high school curriculum and bragging aside, I was the best student in math in my new math advanced school, granted that a lot of the students had math tutors besides school as well.

My love affair with math ended shortly afterwards, since I spent my senior year as an exchange student in Northern Michigan. Because I had more math and science courses than I needed to graduate, I decided to take courses that I couldn’t take at home – like journalism, creative writing, economics, psychology –all the fun stuff.

I graduated high school and returned home barely making it on time for college entrance exams. Here I was faced with a dilemma –I was gone all year and didn’t “prepare” for the entrance exams and the only ones that I could handle were foreign language exams. I had two options – take a year off, study math and apply to School of Economics at Yerevan State, or take the said English exams and go to the Institute of Foreign Languages, which was shortly afterwards renamed as State University of Linguistics. By that time I had a pretty advanced knowledge of English, spoke the language fluently and both oral and written exams were pretty much a breeze. Besides, one thing that I liked more than anything else was the English language and was afraid that if I didn’t give myself an opportunity to use the language on a regular basis, I would soon forget it. At that time good knowledge of English was a highly marketable skill in Armenia and soon enough it landed me not only with my first teaching job, but with series of pretty darn important translating contracts that as an eighteen-year-old I was very proud of.

Needless to say, math was not a subject taught at the School of Linguistics. And let me also say that the five years spent in that school were not the most challenging thing that I ever had to accomplish. Actually, as sad as this sounds, up to this day, together with my recent graduate experience, I do not think that I have ever been as challenged or had to work harder than I did in … high school. I had long forgotten my love affair with math. I hardly went to class past my third year. I had a real job with a microfinance organization. I did translations on the side. I was super busy and math was the last thing that I thought about. Frankly, I never thought I would ever need to use math again besides everyday basic arithmetic. Little did I know that I was going to be proved wrong…

Given the length of this post, I am going to cut it off. The second part will be coming shortly, given the fact that soon enough math is going to acquire special relevance in the field of study that I am choosing to get into.

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[*] As a side note, college entrance exams in Armenia up to this day are not standardized. Depending on the specialty of choice, students must take whatever exam is required for that particular department. For example, kids who want to go to medical school take an exam in chemistry and either physics and biology. Engineering schools require kids to take an exam in math and physics. Language schools require oral and written exam in the language of choice, and so on and so forth.

To Whom It May Concern: It’s Eighty Degrees and Sunny. A Lovely Richmond Afternoon

And I’m happily complacent like I haven’t been in a while.

My meeting with people at Econ department at VCU a couple of days ago went very extremely well. While sitting down with the admissions people to discuss the application process and all my related questions was very informative, the highlight of my visit was an “informal” interview with the department head who apparently has a lot of say in the admissions process.

The department head turned out to be a pretty cool guy. He straightforwardly informed me that one thing the program doesn’t teach is how to write policies. “It’s a highly political and speculative process that we don’t get involved in” he said. “Brandeis would be a much better fit for you – they’re really good at it up there.” I told him that despite the fact that I find policies extremely interesting, it is not what I am looking to learn or else I would be applying to policy programs. “It’s mushy science,” I said. “I think I have had enough of that already.” What I would like to do is to be involved in research on the impact of such policies and if I want to as much as get close to that sort of stuff, I will need a background in economics with very strong quantitative skills. “We can teach you that” he smiled. “You’ll get more training in econometrics and mathematical modeling than you could ever dream about. And some theory, of course.” I told him that it was exactly what I was looking for.

Needless to say, I truly liked the guy. There is something about middle aged Southern men that I am helplessly attracted to – must be the Southern drawl and the sense of humor that I find easy to play along with. They usually end up liking me back. I tend to think that there is more to it than my pretty eyes. Whatever it is, the guy told me that my chances of getting admitted were pretty high and even hinted that if I hurried up and got my stuff in soon enough, there would be a good possibility that I’d receive funding. I left his office giddy with excitement. And a mental list of stuff that I need to do to get the application processes started.

In a few more days my extended Passover break will be over and I will be heading back to the Bean Town for the last time. The following two weeks will be insanely busy. Besides the load of assignments that need to be turned in by the end of the semester, I will need to submit the application to VCU, fill out the paperwork related to taking a leave of absence at Brandeis, take care of bunch of bureaucratic procedures necessary for my summer trip, as well as clean and pack my belongings and move them back to Richmond. I will be leaving the States in the end of May. There is a week long training that I need to attend in D.C., adding an extra task of finding accommodation in D.C. On top of that, since the boy and I decided to share a roof together after I get back, there will be a need to search for the said roof as well.

Despite the overwhelmingly long list of stuff that must be taken care of within the next month, I am pretty happy. After all, these are tasks to get excited about. I’ll be finally done with Brandeis, get to go home, and come back to Richmond to start a new and exhilarating learning experience, move in with the boy. All in all, things are playing themselves out pretty darn well. For now all I can do is enjoy the few free days and the gorgeous weather in Richmond and bask in this feeling of utter complacency, since there is not a single thing that I can think of to be complaining about.

Spilling the beans

“Just because I don’t have a background in something, doesn’t mean that I can’t potentially get it…”

As obvious as this statement is, it took a mini-epiphany of sorts to finally see the “obvious.” However, it wasn’t one of these ground shaking moments with skies opening up and blinding light pouring down on me, but a rather calm realization, as I sat in front of my computer day after day, browsing job listings.

I am considering getting a second degree in Economics. Despite the fact that my “inconsistencies” are well known (and well documented in this blog), despite the fact that I have a tendency to get excited over a wide array of topics and disciplines, this is not a passing whim of mine, but quite a logical decision that I came to gradually. I need to learn economics because economic development is what I am most interested in. I need to have a good working knowledge in economics, since every job that truly interests me requires such background. I need to know economics if I want to carry out work of certain kind of depth and magnitude that gets me giddy with excitement. I do need that background if I ever decide to get a PhD (which most likely be somewhat related to Public Policy). I also want to learn economics simply because I truly enjoy the subject, even if my exposure to it up to this day has been rather limited.

So for the last month or so I have been thinking about every little aspect that this decision contains and trying to find out as much information as I can about what studying economics entails and where I should go to study it. Since then I have met with my advisor a couple of times, talked to a number of professors, PhD students and administration at Brandeis and elsewhere, discussed it with family and friends. And despite certain quite legitimate reservations that some of them expressed, the amount of support that I received has been incredible. It makes sense, any way I look at it.

Now comes the question regarding where to go to study it. One thing I am certain about is that I do not want to be at Brandeis anymore – I think I am done with Brandeis for the time being. At the same time, if I rather not lose any more time and start this fall, I have missed the deadlines of many programs that would be more or less appealing. And since the only place I would rather be at this point is Richmond, and that Virginia Commonwealth University is located in Richmond, I decided to take a look at what it has to offer. And what do you know – its business school does offer a degree in Economics. Master’s degree, that is. On top of that, the school has a rolling admission (the deadline for turning in an application for fall isn’t until July), is relatively inexpensive (it’s a public school after all) and chances are I will qualify for in-state tuition. Given the fact that both my GPA and average GRE score are higher than VCU average, and given the fact that I scored ridiculously high on the quantitative part of GRE (surprising, since I am, after all, and English major) and these are scores that would count most, chances are I will get accepted. Also, another curious fact – VCU ranks higher in Economics than… Brandeis. Not that I’m concerned about rankings anyway (more on that will come later, I suppose).

Next week I am meeting with the admissions people at VCU to discuss what it is going to take to get accepted into the program. I do know that I will have to take a few undergraduate courses (including Calculus) before I could move on to graduate ones. And although I have a rough estimate that the whole process will take about two years, I will know for sure after I meet with them.

What happens with Brandies then, you might want to know? As much as I would like to say “whatever” and “screw it,” I did, after all, invest tremendous amount of resources (and time) into my current degree program. I am also about to finish all academic requirements for the said degree. Quitting the program this late in the game would not be all that great of an idea, after all. For now, the tentative plan is that if I get accepted to the program, or get the green light to start the undergraduate courses, I will take a leave of absence from Brandeis, get a degree and training in economics, which in its turn will allow me to get a job out of which I will write a thesis for Brandeis. I do realize that I am taking the longest possible option that I could ever choose to finally get a degree in International Development. But at the same time, I think the process is well worth it, especially since it will leave me with two degrees that will nicely complement each other. And since, as one of my dear friends kindly pointed out to me that the only people who hire “development professionals” without quantitative or economics background are Peace Corps (those who know me know what I think about Peace Corps) I think I am making a sound decision. An added bonus - high marketability of Economics degree that will give me a whole lot of options besides running around the world and trying to accommodate one stubborn donor or greedy consultant at a time.

When I close my eyes, I can actually smell the spring in the air.

It’s April. Slowly, veeery slowly spring is making its way to my whereabouts. Still bundled up in warm clothes, I shiver every time I see undergrads walking around bare legged in flip-flops. For me it’s still cold, still too unpleasant…

Last time I was in Richmond (which was a month ago) trees were covered with blossoms everywhere. Not a single sign of a flower anywhere in the vicinity here, but when I close my eyes, even on coldest days, I can actually smell the spring in the air.

Lately I’ve been in quite a happy mood. I realize that I have a little more than a month left here. I also decided to take the fellowship offer, which means that great part of my summer will be spent in the Caucasus. I am excited about the trip. I am ecstatic about the fact that I will be seeing my family soon, getting to spend some time at home. Then, come August, and I will be moving back to Richmond - my second home, or as I like to put it, my home by choice, to (hopefully) start classes at Virginia Commonwealth University – a decision that I will talk more about in the next couple of posts.

For those who have noticed, Day In The World is currently running under “Graduate Edition” – a title that I put up there for the fun of it, thinking to myself that it won’t be too long until I take it off again. Now I come to realize that it is here to stay for quite a while longer, about which I am also very excited.

So now I am starting my (grand) countdown until it’s time for me to leave. But before I leave, I think I should devote some time (and space in this blog) to reflect upon the events that happened during the first year of graduate studies at Brandeis and how these events affected the decisions that I am about to make. Despite the fact that this year at Brandeis has not been the best one that I’ve ever had, I think some good has come out of it nonetheless and the least I can do is to as much as account for it.

For now, only one more month…

Peace Corps Follows Me Wherever I Go...

I am not sure whether this is some kind of a random coincidence or it should have been expected, but I just found out that two of my teammates of the aforementioned fellowship in Armenia are former Peace Corps volunteers who I have apparently met (but can't recall, or rather can't put faces to the names) during my PC groupie days. My reaction, a mixture of surprise and amusement, is similar to that when upon meeting my current MA classmates during graduate orientation:

Where do Peace Corps Volunteers end up after they’re done with their two year service? Apparently, the SID program at Heller is the place to be – it seems like ninety percent of the Americans who are in the program (and believe it or not, they are a minority in an extremely diverse and colorful incoming MA student crowd) are returning Peacies. To take this further – what are the chances that you’ll meet one, let alone two of these amazing well-wishing, tree-hugging do-gooders that have just come back from your own country? Even more so, what if you even happen to have personally seen them on site? From the day one, when after being freshly inaugurated and sworn in, they crowded my favorite bar, making complete fools of themselves, I’'d stumble upon them throughout the year here and there in ever corner of downtown Yerevan… A former PC groupie that I was back in the day, while conducting series of interviews with them for my still unfinished project, I actually ended up befriend a few (they are, after all, charming, and adorable, and totally harmless). And yet, Brandeis was the last place I’d expect to run into a former Armenia stationed Peace Corps Volunteer – but then, it’s a small world that makes room for even the most improbable encounters to happen.

Apparently, the fat bastard was right: PC volunteers turn up in the darnedest of places when you look for them... even more when you don't... kinda like Armenians.

Question of the day

Should the efforts of the international community towards poverty reduction be codified as “hard law” in international instruments (such as treaties) or should they be more on the side of “soft law” similar to Millennium Declaration and Millennium Development Goals?

Now if you will excuse me, I have a few hundred pages of readings to do on sources of international law in order to build a valid argument in favor of either one of the options. Any suggestions are more then welcome, so comment away…

This Week in Development - The Impact of Economic Growth on Poverty and Inequality

Starring Dave Nicholson, an SID MA Candidate – in other words, a classmate of mine, who I think is absolutely brilliant (pronounced in British accent). The text below is one of the topics of our “discussion boards” based on a couple of recent studies on the above referenced subject:

Bob Sutcliffe. (2004).World inequality and globalization. Oxford Review of Economic Policy, Vol 20, No 1.

Dollar, David and Aart Kraay (2002) Growth is Good for the Poor, Journal of Economic Growth, Vol. 4.

As what seems to be the typical outcome in economics, the answer to the question of the growths impact on inequality seems to be....all together now....it depends. Bob Sutcliffe studied various methods of measuring inequality and found that different indicators could be used to generate different results. Without a reliable measure of inequality, the impact of growth is really tough to judge with any certainty, and therefore the impact of globalization is equally tough to measure. The only thing Sutcliffe can conclude is that inequality is very high right now, using the word “futile” to describe attempts to quantify it properly. If nothing else I admire his honesty.

In another study, Dollar and Kray seem to try really hard to obtain some correlation between current popular pro-poor policies and reduction in inequality (This observation is based on the fact that I understand little to nothing of what they actually did, but it sounds both impressive and time consuming). The conclusion they draw is that pure economic growth is the only thing that can be reliably attributed to increasing the income of the poorest 20% (don't tell Amartya Sen anyone!) They admit that this doesn't imply that nothing else has an impact, but merely that the contributions made by various policy and institutional factors may be too complicated to recognize in their “simple” study.

Trying to read their study led to the feeling that we were going round in circles; such a broad study was unlikely to identify singular important factors. I thought the Washington Consensus experience had taught us that the search for a blue print answer for all countries was “futile”, and that localized factors were always relevant in policy creation. Overall, we can conclude that we don't really know. Dejarvous anyone? Equiproportionately so.

The bottom line is – we don’t know, or at least, the attempts of such broad-based, cross-country studies to measure even a more complex correlation between growth, poverty and inequality leaves us with inconclusive results. Fried-pork, anyone?

For clarifications – Amartya Sen, a philosopher and economist who teaches, as said in Heller parlance, right down the road at Harvard. A Nobel Prize winner for economics in 1998, he’s famous, among many other works, for his book Development As Freedom – a self-explaining title that sees the true means towards development in enhancing freedoms and capabilities of people, whereas growth in itself does not necessarily contribute towards the end goal.

Washington Consensus – a set of ten market-oriented, neo-liberal policies that came out from Washington based institutions (World Bank and IMF) in 1989-1990, that were aimed at reducing the role of government and placed the emphasis on the markets to promote development. It was broadly implemented in a number of developing countries and yielded pretty miserable results. One of the lessons among the many from this particular experience was that there are, after all, no blueprint solutions to development that can be transferred from one country to another.

To Whom It May Concern: It’s a Thursday of no particular importance

And this blog is screaming for an update. But since there has been a lot on my mind lately, I am not quite sure where and how to begin. Except that maybe I should first spill out the unexciting news before I could move on to somewhat exciting ones?

So the non-so exciting part – it’s been veeery quiet on the job-hunt front, despite the fact that I keep applying away to anything that comes on my radar. Besides my recent rant and apprehensions on the said topic, the process leaves me with a feeling that I am compromising my own integrity. Not fun at all.

I had a mild freak out earlier this week due to what turned out (hopefully that’s the case) a minor gum infection that I thought was spreading at alarming rate to bring many serious consequences that would require surgical intervention. And since I am not covered by dental insurance, I was even more scared as to what to do about the situation. A trip to a physician calmed me down a bit, as I found out that surgery may not be necessary at this point and a good dose of antibiotics might do the trick. Also I cleared it with the said physician and my health insurance company that in case I do need a surgery, it would be billed as “medical” and not “dental,” which, in its turn was a pretty big relief. For once I should not bitch about the American health care system (yet).

On slightly more exciting news – I have been offered a ten week fellowship with a microfinance organization (that I have worked with for a couple of years in the past) to conduct a client assessment research in Georgia (country) and Armenia. Besides having a darn good reason to go back home this summer (and a trip is long overdue), I would gain a much needed research experience, get to compare data on two neighboring countries that share many political, social, cultural and geographic similarities and get to hang out in Tbilisi. Also, one of my classmates from Ukraine who I really like will be accompanying me in my Georgia trip. The downside of it is that the fellowship does not pay shit. Even more so, despite the fact that the said organization covers the living expenses in both countries, the cost of the trip is completely my responsibility. With continuously depreciating dollar airline tickets have gotten very, extremely expensive, so my ability to actually do the research will be contingent upon my being able to find funding for the said trip, along with several other factors that I won’t go into now.

Needless to say, I am excited about this fellowship. However, there are a couple of concerns that rise off the top of my head in case I do end up accepting the fellowship. For one, there’s the whole situation of depreciating dollar and appreciating Georgian/Armenian currencies that makes my already limited resources stretch rather thinly. Then, in case I do end up going to Georgia, I do not have the vaguest idea as to how in the world I will be able to communicate. I do not speak Georgian. Neither does my Ukrainian friend. We both speak Russian. You’d think that Georgians would too, given our shared seventy years of Soviet history, but due to current and not-so current political relations between the said two countries, Georgians are not very friendly towards the Russian speaking folk. And they refuse pointblank to speak Russian (or so I hear). There are quite a few people who speak English in Tbilisi but I doubt that a middle-age rural microfinance client would be fluent enough for us to be able to communicate. Although the flip side of it is that this might create some pretty hilariously nonsensical situations worth getting into. Or maybe not. All I know is that at this point I should hold off the excitement, since there is a whole lot more stuff that needs to be worked and figured out before I can wholeheartedly accept this offer. For now all I can say is that I really really want to go home…

On a brighter note: things that have been my source of amusement lately

• Watching grown men “unleash" their inner teenage rock star as they play Rock Band (an equivalent of Guitar Hero) for hours at a time. Makes me remember the days of my “youth” when [insert the rock band of your choice – in my case – Nirvana, post mortem] held the status of a deity, wearing torn blue jeans and multiple piercings was a statement equal to blasphemy (we’re talking Yerevan in early 90s) and obtaining the said pair of blue jeans that cost twice as much as my mother’s monthly salary was the biggest source of obsession.

• Mother Sugar watching democratic debates or the results of the primaries and changing her mind by the minute as to who to vote for. The current verdict – Hilary is a bitch, Obama is the man, look out for McCain and the world is coming to an end, fast, so it doesn’t matter anyway. As surprising as this may sound, I have been relatively cool about this whole election circus (I shouldn’t be, even if I don’t get to vote), especially since my beloved cute Southern boy (Edwards) dropped out of the race early on.

• Statements made by certain crazy professor(s) saying that “some of us haven’t read a book in twenty years,“ and that “if you are reading, you’re not thinking; if you’re thinking, you’re not reading.” Thus, if you want to keep thinking, put down the damn book.

• Remarks made by my classmate on my pessimistic attitude that go like:

Him: “Why are you so pissed all the time?”

Me: “I’m practicing on being a bitch.”

Him: “Trust me, sweetheart, you don’t need to practice.” Ouch.

• My African fan club at Heller and a certain skinny dude who keeps proposing to me to be his African queen, go with him to Nigeria and be his number one wife… When I tell him that he looks too much like my brother (both are skinny, tall, with big round heads and even bigger smiles), the guy standing next to him says:

“My condolences, brother. I am so happy that she doesn’t think that I look like her bother.”

Good to know that in case I don’t find anything useful to do with myself, I always have an option of being an African queen. I guess I should find out who the rest of the wives are going to be?

An ongoing rant on my utter ineptitude... or I went to Brandies and all I learned was that I don't know a thing when it comes to development

Despite a very strenuous week, the last few days of the week I was actually in a pretty good mood. Maybe it was because the weather finally warmed up a bit, maybe because I was done with my third module of the academic program, having only one more module to go. I finally figured out how to resolve the tangled issue of previously mentioned universality and cultural relativity when it came to human rights, wrote a pretty darn good legal argument about international law and humanitarian intervention, did a kick ass job on a presentation… Walking out of Heller early Friday morning, after having handed in yet another assignment I felt relieved, happy. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, the air smelled of spring… “Maybe I should give myself a reward, buy a sweater, maybe a new pair of shoes,” I thought to myself, as I walked home, looking forward to indulging myself in doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the day, possibly taking a trip to Boston on Sunday, to buy the said reward…

However, despite the good mood that finished off my week, I’ve been having a pretty lousy weekend, and that’s not simply due to uncooperative weather that made me cancel my tentative trip to the city and has kept me locked up indoors for the last forty eight hours. When one doesn’t have a whole lot on her daily agenda, one inevitably keeps going back to the reoccurring thoughts that might have been circling around one’s mind. And since close friends and family have gotten sick of hearing about my woes of late, I thought I would turn to my last resort and vent on this blog.

So, yeah, things that bother me right now – the same things that have been bothering two months ago, three months ago, maybe even longer… I am clueless as to what I want to do with myself after this May, when I am done with this semester. I am not sure what I actually can do come this May. All I know is that I am supposed to be at a practicum of some sorts. That can be an internship or an actual job, as long as it’s related to the field of interest, does not involve doing my own research and can serve as basis for writing my Master’s paper.

Here’s the thing though – on one hand I don’t have a quite clear picture of what I want to do. Or to correct myself – things that I want to do I am not quite qualified for (blame my weak background in econ and statistics). On the other hand, pretty much all more or less decent internships are unpaid. And the truth is, I cannot afford an unpaid internship. So I am looking for jobs. Entry level jobs in the field of sustainable international development that do not involve the aforementioned advanced stats and econ skills. And boy, is the process frustrating. I don’t think I ever mastered the whole art of self-promotion and selling myself thing. What am I supposed to say here? I’m smart, I’m smart, I go to a tough preppy school and get good grades, I’m smart, I speak three languages, I really care for the poor, I’m smart, I’M SMART, god damnit, now WILL YOU HIRE ME ALREADY?

So I am coming to realize that as respectable as Brandeis degree is, it is a pretty generic one to make you a specialist of anything in particular. International development is a pretty broad field that encompasses a wide range of disciplines from environmental conservation and sustainability to poverty alleviation, economic development, human rights, gender issues and everything else in between. But really, you’re not graduating as an ecologist or an environmental engineer to be able to really tackle the issues of the environment. Nor are you coming out being a human rights specialist – for that there are programs in law schools. If you want to work on economic development, then you’re gotta be – come on, take a wild guess – an economist maybe? Did I really need another reason to tell me that I didn’t make the smartest choice when I came to Brandeis?

Also, even the lowly bottom of the barrel entry level position of a program associate in any lousy DC NGO requires (and I’m not kidding here) FIVE years of relevant experience, on top of an advanced degree. No more or no less. Now, do you think that if I had five year’s of relevant experience with an advanced degree I would be applying for a job of a program associate? Give me a break already. I don’t think I have ever, EVER in my life felt more unqualified and … I guess, worthless and limited in what I can do. I do keep applying to anything from human rights advocacy to gender issues to small project management to micro-finance … everything that comes on my radar that I can be even remotely considered suitable. Perhaps part of the reason I feel so limited is because I do limit my search to one and only location of Washington DC (or Richmond, but no big market there), since I decided that I really do not feel like working overseas or any other spot in the States in the near future. Even if devil tells me to try to find a job back at home, the only thing that I’ve been able to find is a ten week microfinance fellowship (not long enough) and internships (paid) with USAID (require US citizenship that I do not have).

So back to the job hunt. A part of me has been entertaining the thought that in case I don’t manage to find something that is at least remotely suitable for my field and doesn’t require me taking out another huge student loan to cover my living expenses, my only other choice is to defer my second year – something that neither the boy nor my mother will hear about. And that, frankly, pisses me off. It’s one thing to be able to do what you want to do, it’s another thing to be able to afford what you want to do. Nor could I really afford this fancy education in the first place, especially since the more I think about, the more worthless it appears to be. And the whole chain of thoughts repeats again. Also, makes my kick-ass legal arguments and carefully composed papers seem completely pointless. Or maybe I’m worthless. And I have this lousy feeling as a proof for the latter. So much for buying a new sweater as a reward.

To Whom It May Consern: It's Twenty Degrees and Sunny. Sunday Afternoon

And I'm suffering through a paper.

Although most of the times my writing assignments are nothing more but a means of perfecting the art of pulling a paper out of thin air, there are those few occasions that seem to open a can of warms that I really don't feel like dealing with. Like universality of human rights and cultural relativism... Especially cultural relativism. Perhaps a good indicator I should not pursue a career in anthropology.

Don't you think it should work like this?

You have a desire, you dwell upon it, move with it, and presto, it manifests?

Or you have a huge question, you turn it over to me, forget about it, and ta-da, you just know. Me too. Which, actually, is exactly how it does work, Nika…

Cool, huh?

The Universe

You know who I really, wholeheartedly envy, Universe? People who know exactly what it is that they want and then go for it, without looking left and right, following it through and not changing their mind in the process. I remember a long while ago, one of my former bosses (now a friend) told me how you’ve got to figure out that it is that you want, figure out where you want to see yourself in the future, make a detailed plan for five, ten, fifteen years, then follow your plan one step at a time until you finally get there. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Well, it really isn’t for someone as ambivalent and inconsistent as I am. Cause shit, if I had a nickel every time I changed my mind in the last ten and even five years, I would probably have a secured retirement plan under my mattress now and wouldn’t have to worry about anything else.

I was too young to have any kind of ambitions fifteen years ago beyond studying advanced math and physics in a cold room in candlelight, playing the piano five hours a day and nurturing whatever crush it was that I had for whoever it was that sat next to me in the class. Ten years, on the other hand, was long enough for me to come to the States for the first time, go back home, get accepted to a school I cared little about, take up swimming and deciding to quit school to become a swimming coach, quit swimming instead, then decide to quit school again so that I could stay at home and write, but getting a full time job instead while still in school, then decide to transfer from a language school to Florida Institute of Technology to study genetic engineering, getting the application all ready to go, then changing my mind, thanks to my biologist mom (who kindly brought up the issue of ethics – damned, it’s always the ethics that seems to get in my way). Then decide to get married instead. Get married actually. Think that it will be a good idea to become a yoga instructor. Never follow through with it. End my marriage. Go back home to Armenia. Decide to join the army of do-gooders. Apply to do-gooder graduate school. Get accepted. Move back to the States. Actually go to graduate school thinking that I know exactly what it is that I want to learn from there… Now a semester and half through graduate school it turns out that I know nothing about what it is that I want to learn from there… Ambivalence is truly a bitch, aint it? Does anyone happen to know if there is a twelve-step program for those wanting to recover from being inconsistent? Cause I will sign up right away, unless I change my mind again, of course.

You know who else I happen to envy more than anything else? Those who seem to be in what I call a perpetual Peace Corps age and mindset and will get a bag packed within a day’s notice to move wherever it is they think their next calling is. I thought that was exactly what I wanted – running around from one corner of the world to another, without having to settle down anywhere in particular. It would fit quite nicely with my inconsistent personality, wouldn’t it? Well, turns out that somewhere during my stay in Richmond while waiting to go to school I lost that mindset. Turns out, that one thing that has been consistent in the last couple of years is a sudden realization that what I need more than anything else is what I once called normality (see the previous post)– but is more along the lines of stability and security of having a place that you can call home, settling down, living a most ordinary and routine life one day after another… and actually being happy living such unambitious life.

So here’s a dilemma – on one hand I am more inconsistent than anyone I happen to know. On the other hand, all I seem to want is… consistency and stability in its most lackadaisical form. I could speculate at lengths that it is only logical to want something that you most lack… but given the circumstances, I am not sure if I can trust even that. So what was it that you were saying to me, Universe?

Around this time last year I wrote...

I keep telling myself that all I want is some sense of normality and a little peace of mind. But I stop right there without further questioning of what this normality entails. What exactly does it mean, normality, to me- this one, seemingly simple, and yet the most relative, subjective and changeable concept of all? Where do I draw the line, my own personal line, between what’s normal and acceptable and what’s not? How do I make my own definitions of uniform ordinariness? And why, why is it that this sense of normality is so important to me now?

Once I used to find comfort in a newfound realization of how similar we, as humans, are. And how much there is that we share in common. Made it easier for me to accept and understand myself and relate to someone outside of my skin; gave me compassion and tolerance towards others for merely being human... And being connected to every other human and not alone in our behavior patters, thoughts and emotions. It made me happy – just thinking about it. Somewhat relieved of unnecessary pressure of trying to be different, special in some way. Even remotely distinguished by something other than being just another human being...

But then, i can't help but question whether this is a cryptic way of justifying my complete lack of ambition or any kind of aspiration for not wanting something that would make me more distinguished than the person next to me. And whether this lack of desire is as humble as it may appear at first glance or simply a sign of laziness, as if by accepting my averagness I’m giving up the effort to be something more, something better – at least a better version of myself, if not distinguished.... but then, again, i ask whether there is even half as much comfort in this sense of distinguishness as there is in the ordinariness of someone who's humble in his own humanity…

What I want is simple. Ordinary. Uncomplicated. Real. Tangible. And not abstract. I need a sense of security, stability, a sense of being protected… some kind of confidence of being able to deal with whatever future may hold for me. Wanting a place that you can call your own, a place that will give you the protection you need and partially the sense of security. A need for a home… your own home- these are all simple and ordinary things, yet very concrete things to want and need… it’s natural for someone to want to have it, is it not? It’s normal, human… basic - is it not?

If it is so, then why is it that a certain part of me feels guilty, somewhat guilty, that by wanting and choosing those things I’m forgetting and leaving out something that might be just as important? Perhaps not as common and ordinary, but as equally important?

This Week In Development – Did Someone Mention Growth?

The Caucasian Tiger or what’s behind the pretty picture of Armenia’s economic growth.

During the last decade, the economy of Armenia has been showing steady growth reaching over 13 percent in the last year (see the graph below). The impressive growth of the country has been compared to that of East Asian Tigers in earlier decades, giving Armenia the name of Caucasian Tiger by the Word Bank experts.

For those interested in reading more about country’s “stellar” performance, current situation and further policy advice, check out The Caucasian Tiger: Sustaining Economic Growth in Armenia recently published by the World Bank (also available at Google Books).

Using some of the information from the book, as well as PRSP of the country, below find a very brief brief on the history of growth.

Armenia gained independence after the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991. The rapid transition from one economic system to another resulted in economic crisis due to the country’s lack of institutional infrastructure to function in market economy. At the same time, the country was still dealing with the still tangible aftermath of a devastating earthquake of 1988, as well as experiencing a large influx of refugees into the country from Azerbaijan due to the ongoing Nagorno-Kharabakh conflict. The country was in blockade, had shut down its main source of energy – the nuclear power plant and was undergoing a period that in economic terms was characterized by hyper-inflation, drastic increase in unemployment, liquidation of previously owned state enterprises, migration and emergence of widespread poverty among the population (55% according to 1992 estimates).

The country’s economy started showing growth in1994, when series of reforms re-established macroeconomic stability in the country and created favorable environment for economic growth. The average GDP growth from 1994 to 2002 was 6.68 percent, with a gradual increase to 13.4 percent in 2006 (see the graph).

Source: World Development Indicators 1990-2006

World Bank experts attribute this growth to successful implementation of “first generation” policy reforms that lowered the inflation and created macroeconomic stability which led to expansions of markets and growth of the private sector. Poverty dropped from 55 percent to 26.5 percent (2004 estimates). Large amounts of capital inflows into the country in form of official development assistance, contributions and private transfers by the Armenian Diaspora and remittances also played their part in the growth of the nation’s economy.

This doesn’t mean that the country isn’t still poor. The aforementioned book gives a detailed outline of what’s still wrong together with policy advice, similar to those outlined in country’s PRSP on how to deal with the existing constraints to the sustainability of growth, such as unemployment, unhealthy taxation system, still unstable business environment, poverty in rural regions, so on and so forth.

Now, those who are REALLY concerned about the state of the Armenian economy and the quality of recent growth, check out what independent experts have to say. Concerns raised in these posts appear to be quite legitimate - economic growth weakens, instead of increasing the competitiveness of the country's markets. It is unevenly allocated among the population - inequality between rural areas and the capital, where most of the growth is concentrated, is quite tangible. Most profitable imports are monopolized, after having been appropriated by state officials under names of “foreign entities” and there is virtually no foreign direct investment coming into the economy, contrary to belief.

It can be stated that everybody is content and no one realizes that were this dynamics to continue, in ten years this ‘miracle’ can turn into a real crisis, a true hell…

Make your conclusions at your own risk.

Speaking of consumerism - The Story of Stuff

Here's the first chapter of the story of unlimited consumption and what it can and is actually leading us towards to. The whole thing is available here.

Although none of the facts that Ms. Lennox brings here is news to me, it becomes pretty mind-boggling when all of it presented all at once. I glimpsed over the comments that were posted to this video on You Tube, and got even more astounded... Propaganda you might say this little number is, but I don't think you really need to have a college degree to grasp a simple concept that you cannot indefinitely run a linear system on a finite planet. It's as simple as that. Enjoy and feel free to send me hate mail.

From Trash TV to Trash Consumerism

In the light of the favorite collective pink and red holiday of ours, New York Time’s Critical Shopper Visits Victoria’s Secret.

Good ol' pimpin' gone corporate. Hilarity ensues.

Subtleties of eroticism can turn the banal into the fantastic, but Victoria’s Secret has not made its money by being subtle. Its apparent formula for mass-marketing fantasies is to turn the erotic into the banal.

Like a porn star with too many memoirs, Victoria’s secrets are pretty much overexposed at this point. “Ahh, whatever,” Victoria says. “Let me let you in on a little something, girls. You want sex? Hit the guy real hard with blunt sex objects.”

…

Mamas, don’t let your babies go to the Royal Academy of Pink. After all, one of the primary goals of parenthood, to paraphrase Chris Rock, is to keep your daughter “off the pole.”

There is a certain charm in directness, if it’s done right. I am concerned, however, that Victoria seems to be acting out feelings of low self-esteem through indiscriminate promiscuity.

Well, these are times when everything is turned into commodities. Sex sells. It sells quite well. But I guess there’s got to be a line somewhere before it does become a blatant promotion of … promiscuity. Nothing wrong with that, I’ll have to admit, but please don’t let the big guys make uniform choices for you and collect the proceeds in advance.

Source: Cintra Wilson (2008, Feb. 14). Chug-a-Lugging Aphrodisiacs. New York Times.

The love of flying

So lately I have been traveling a lot. And since my most reliable forms of transportation are my own feet and airplanes and because Richmond is nowhere close to being within my walking distance, lately I have been flying more often that I ever thought I would. Long live JetBlue, home of the most legroom in the couch. Besides befriending its whole entire crew, I am starting to feel more and more at home in the most unhomy places in the world, more precisely – Logan International Airport. The same would not be true if I was flying out of, say, JFK - a real nightmare with its perpetual mess of delayed flights and long waits on the runway, and having gone through New York on a couple of occasions, I have sworn to try, at any cost, to avoid this route, unless I am actually going there.

Getting to Logan is an adventure in itself that involves coordinating the flight schedule to that of the commuter rail, getting my usually oversized luggage to the train station, getting on the train, getting off at the North Station and catching a cab from the North Station to the airport. Had I been more adventurous and more concerned about saving money, I would have figured out even a more elaborate plan of changing several subway lines that would eventually lead me to my coveted destination. But since we’re talking ten-fifteen bucks, I find it not worth the trouble and end up chatting it up with drivers, who often happen to be from the motherland (read Russia).

So Logan International, terminal C. How would I ever guess that you’d become one of my most beloved places in the whole entire world? That setting foot past your security check-point would be as exciting and exhilarating as Christmas morning for a kid? Even TSA officers can’t help but notice how happy I look and stop me to ask whether I have just won a lottery and am headed for a grand vacation… Who would have thought that I would come to love your overcrowded food joints, overpriced Wonfgang Putz pizzas and mediocre Starbucks coffee that I get before the departure (the only place that I get Starbucks anymore these days)? Would I have ever guessed that you, of all places in the world, would be where I do the bulk of my school work, as I bide the pre-departure hours trying not to pass out from excitement?

I do love flying. There is something (please don’t laugh) overly liberating in the moment the plane accelerates before the take-off. There is something in that feeling of lightness that gives me a high when the plane is up in the air. Having weathered several trans-Atlantic flights, the short trip to Richmond feels like a breeze, as I leaf through my readings, draft outlines for papers or get my dose of trash-TV, while doing "splits and tap dance and even yoga." And when the pilot announces its initial decen, I get that pang in my stomach, as if the entire city of Richmond is there to greet me with balloons and fireworks and lots and lots of candy…

I have to admit that going back is always a little sad and not nearly as fun, but then going back always involves long lists of things that need to be done, school stuff taken care of, papers handed out, which make my days of Waltham imprisonment pass that much faster before my next trip is up. I leave the airport knowing not only that soon enough I'll be flying again, but that in the matter of a couple of more months I will be leaving Boston behind, if not for good, at least for a long long while.

Early Spring Break

After having written a record number of papers in the last few weeks, staying up too late and getting too little sleep, while simultaneously trying to juggle a world of miscellaneous tasks, I find myself all burnt up and in serious need for a break… which couldn’t have come at a more convenient time. All packed up and heading down South for an eternity of ten days that’s way too short to try and get enough of Richmond but long enough for me to wish that I had never moved up North…

Recently one of my fellow students asked me how things were going.

“Well, I’m seriously considering quitting school to go have babies…” I said, jokingly, not knowing what else to say.

“Really? You? Of all people?” she said with a wow on her face. “You’re always so passionate and dedicated and all over the stuff. Where’s the hope for me then?” The girl actually was NOT joking.

Needless to say, her comment made me think. But before I get to explaining where this quitting and babies business is coming from, I have to tell you how lunatic of an idea it is to look at me as a source of hope. Or motivation. Or anything else that has even a slightest breeze of inspiration. Ask the fat bastard, if you can find him - he’ll tell you.

Now whether or not I believe in development through the established institutional framework is something that I myself am trying to figure out. And trust me, there is nothing all that exciting or inspirational in the process. That there is actually a chance that I might, even for a moment, be perceived as anything close to passionate or dedicated when it comes to school is pretty hysterical. A more accurate picture would be: apathetic, pessimistic, I-don’t- really- care-cause- it’s- not- going –to- matter -either -way and can’t -we -go -home -now? Now add to that some chloric acid, soften it with a pinch of hopeless idealism, then spice it up with bitter skepticism and you got me. Now measure how far it is from the aforementioned passionate and dedicated. And then decide, at your own risk, whether or not you want to look at me as a source of … now what was it that you were saying?