I miss certain aspects of living in the states… I am coming to realize that.
I am also coming to realize that despite the fact that I am so incredibly happy here in Yerevan, and move and breathe with so much ease, from aside i act as an American… and I think I enjoy acting as one, although I know I am not… a funny thing, when in the states I used to feel my foreignness, my armenianness almost all the time, and here… yeah, I am acting like a damn westerner- yet I’ve never been more myself than now. I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin, more content amidst all this shit that brings nothing but dissatisfaction… and yet, I miss the states. Chris asked me today what it is that I miss, and the only thing I could come up with to define this vague feeling was “the everydayness... and bagelland” and I told him about that morning, right before we left, when I had gone to bagelland, right after we had had one of our last fights, and sat there for three hours, my head in complete disarray, grateful for the fact that I was leaving in four days. And I remember those kids who sat at the next table- they were young and happy and so decadent- and so everything I wish I had had when I was their age- and it made me want, for the first time I can ever recall, this decadent living, this careless, easy living of simplicity, when days are filled with sunlight and color and you’re unaware of the time ticking away, when every day has a life of its own, every day a threshold of discovering something new, unknown… when life is nothing but an endless string of possibilities and yet it’s not your turn to make your choice yet, and they shift and flicker according to your whims and you never know what’s the next day is going to bring…and I want this life more than anything I’ve ever wanted- and I get a funny feeling that now is the only time I’ll ever get a chance to have anything that comes even close to that kind of life, and I have to have it before I run out of time,,,