If I may contradict myself one more time – I always do that anyway. At least I know it’s safe enough to do that, since these contradictions never go further than wistful speculations at moments of distress. Talk about mood swings – only a few days ago I was talking about how happy I am in Richmond and how I wish I didn’t have to leave…

But a part of me, knowing that I’m going to leave anyways, wants to simple get up and go now, right this instant – for the sake of saving myself the trouble of having to do that in August, for the sake of avoiding the next three or four months – and I can already feel that they’re going to be difficult, it’s already hard as it is right now, emotionally straining, and I’m really not that well equipped to deal with this kind of strain in any given moment. So what the hell. Why not get it over with now instead of dragging it for another summer. Why not save myself months of heartache and uncertainty? Why not get it over with now instead of spending all that time in complete unproductive boredom while watching the level of my anxiety gradually peak…

I’m running ahead of myself. Trying to picture what it will be like when it’s time to leave. Browsing craigslist to see if there’s a place available for August, still so ridiculously early and so premature – both my seemingly needless anxiety and the emotional strain. I was talking to a lady at ACORN in Boston today, to see if I could get a part time, even a volunteer job up there, figuring that if I have to get a job, I rather work for a non-profit. Something I could have done here in Richmond as well, had I had enough patience to wait. But I never have patience. None whatsoever.

It sounds tempting. So tempting. To simply get up and go. Somewhere, anywhere.

A few weeks ago, for the millionth time, I was offered to move back to Florida and work in my old office there until it's time to start school. A job that was one thing I couldn’t leave behind when I left, a job that I am still doing it from home, thus my location being a point of little relevance. A job that i don't think I’ll ever be able to quit, even if I’m in a mine shaft, somewhere in Siberia, hundreds of yards under ground. At least I know I’m so good at doing what comes so close to resemble welfare. Those five Kleenex box bankruptcy cases – four for the client, one for me that I manage to straighten out with so much proficiency and getting so much positive energy back as reward...

It sounded attractive, the offer, for reasons other than a much better pay, a place to stay without having to pay rent, in a town that I more or less know and almost like… a boss who has come to accept me as almost a family - his little sister that he never wanted, but family nevertheless. It sounded tempting. Touching. Humbling. And for the millionth time I had to turn it down, for reasons other than seeing the move to Florida under these circumstance just as pointless as moving anywhere else. Not time yet. Too soon. And yet, never soon enough. Never fucking soon enough.

What’s holding me here?

A relationship - a relationship that at moments leaves me just as lost and at my wit’s ends as moving to a completely new and unfamiliar place. You know, those few months after a move, when you still don’t know the place well, and haven’t gotten used to all the boundaries yet, and can still nurse the illusion that you’re free within these unseen boundaries for a little while longer. Until you get to see and recognize not only these visible bounds, but your own limitations as well. I’m exactly at that very point in this relationship. And I’m not sure I’m taking it well.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for this stuff. Or maybe it’s one of these days of overcast skies and everything falling tumbling on me. A bad day, living situation that is starting to get on my nerves, unchallenging job, equally unchallenging people and feeling of loneliness that is so much stronger in moments like this. Maybe it’s just a fucking moment. A mood swing. And if I sit through it patiently enough, it will simply go away once it’s all nice outside again.

It’s supposed to be beautiful this weekend. Maybe I’ll take a trip downtown, go to the river or stay in Cary town and tell myself all the reasons why I love Richmond so much… and try to convince myself that I still have quite a few good days left here, that I could still seize a few of those photographic snapshot moments that stay forever frozen in the eye of your mind.

Or maybe I’m just not cut out for all this stuff. And I simply want to disappear.