It’s always been hard for me to voice what’s really bothering me. I’ve never been good at expressing unprocessed emotions, frustrations, fears and anger. I have been equally unsuccessful in dealing with uncertainties, although what’s ironic is that these uncertainties often arise from my refusing to openly say what’s really on my mind and what exactly it is that makes me feel uncertain, uncomfortable, insecure at any given moment. I’m shielded in a way. There’s things that I simply cannot bring myself to talk about. Sometimes I cannot even write them out – this whole blog, or most part of it is a collection of cryptic messages, riddles that no one besides me can decipher. Why is it so hard for me to simply say, like I would be stating a fact that “ “This is white.”, “This is black.”, “This bothers me.”, “”This is what I’m afraid of.”, “This is what I need.”, “This is what I’d like to know...”. Do I actually think that by voicing such thoughts of discomfort and fear is going to kill me? Like words would cut my throat before they even reach my mouth? Is it really that big of a deal to let someone other than myself know that I’m uncomfortable, in pain, hopeful, wistful, in need of something, afraid of something else.
Is the fear of being rejected or misunderstood so great? Or is it simply because I do not think that my own feelings or needs are good enough or important enough to be voiced? Either way, these are some deeply rooted issues, and as much as I hate issues and would rather ignore than deal with them, I have to admit that they bother me on ongoing basis and inevitably result in my growing bitterness, resentment, frustration, which when bottled up for over a period of time, ends up exploding in a most graceless and emotionally messy way.
I am not sure when and how it happened that I simply stopped letting others know about what i feel and how i feel about whatever it is that may be important to me. When did i start to believe that showing need or emotion is a sign of weakness? Perhaps if I dig a little deeper, I will find a specific cause – some past event that has brought this on, but so far I’ve learned that analyzing past issues only gives me an understanding of the cause itself and does not necessarily help me deal with consequences. The consequence is that what once used to be a justifiable fear of rejection has grown into a habit of not talking and bottling up. And being more concerned about keeping certain appearances. That showing emotion, need, dependency, voicing fears, frustrations are signs of weakness, inadequacy, incompetency and that it will inevitably end up hurting and disappointing me. And that as long as I keep all of it nicely hidden, I will not run to risk of appearing weak or being hurt, even if the pain of unvoiced emotions is much greater than actual rejection. Since then I’ve been very successful in hiding all that stuff, in convincing not only others but myself as well that I’m fine, that I don’t need anything, even at times when I really, desperately need help, compassion, understanding. And just like it was with food, I sometimes deny all love, compassion and understanding to myself, thinking that I do not deserve it. I have become very successful giving an appearance of being fine. Since then I have developed great tolerance for pain and discomfort. I have eliminated my needs to the very basic. I’ve learned to live without expectations from others. I have become extremely self-sufficient and independent. Obsessively, to the point of neurosis independent only to realize not that long ago that this obsession with being self-sufficient and independent is driven by nothing else but the past fear of being rejected. Even when there are no longer any grounds for this fear.
What bothers me now is that even after knowing and understanding all of the above, I still choose to deal with these issues in the same habitual way, of keeping quiet, pretending to be fine and dealing with them on my own. What bothers me now is that I still choose to put myself in blatantly ambivalent and uncomfortable situations whereas for the most part these situations can be avoided if I choose to as much as hint that there is something wrong. What bothers me now is that I still seem to be more concerned about keeping certain appearances, like being strong, self-sufficient, cool, reserved, polite, nice, undemanding than actually being honest with myself and everyone else. Even if I don’t even care whether I’m strong, self-sufficient, cool or reserved. And what bothers me most is that I rather label all my uncertainties with “questions you don’t ask” and shove them away instead of having the courage to ask them and live and deal with answers. Especially when I know that pain is not what I’m afraid of anymore.
2 comments:
Dear Nika,
Thanks for your nice and thoughtful reply to my post. Is there any way that I can get your e-mail?
With regards to "keeping up apprearances", I feel that it is very commonly practiced in the US that people don't even realize that there is something wrong with it. There is a widespread belief that if you show any signs of "weakness" (i.e. being human), you are going to be killed and eaten.
My fist issues with this actually started after I first moved to the States and realized that I couldn't manage to keep up appearances. I felt lousy and wanted to share it with people, ask for advice etc. but I felt that if I did nobody would want to be friends with a "loser" like me.
It was too late when I realized that those "keeping up appearances" are a lot more miserable inside than those who don't. Maybe, you don't feel ready because you think that you are not surrounded by the "right people" just yet?
Dear Chi,
First- you can find my email under my profile and once again, feel free to write me whenever you feel like writing, ok?
As for keeping appearances - yes, there is something very wrong with it, but the issue i raised in the post is more personal in its nature than connected with any specific location and i cannot hold any culture, either in the States or my own accountable for something that is based on personal/interpersonal experiences. It is in a way a handicap to establish open relationships with people who are close and important to me. Both here and anywhere else. Especially with people who are close to me.
What i'm trying to express here is my own frustration at myself and my inability to open up - and i do blame myself rather than the society or the fact that I am not surrounded by "the right people".
I do realize how irrational this fear of talking is. I barely touched upon it in my post, but it isn't even as much of a fear anymore as a habit. Somehow you just get trapped in a certain behavioral pattern without even knowing that what got you into that pattern in the beginning is no longer there. So keeping certain appearances at this point is more of a long-established habit - cause i'm used to being strong, i'm used to being self-sufficient, i'm used to never asking for help, i'm used to not asking uncomfortable and demanding questions... what frustrates me most is that this habit is so strong, that it's just as hard to quit as something like smoking. And that being a more or less intelligent person and understanding all of this, i still find it difficult to change my behavior accordingly.
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