Despite a very strenuous week, the last few days of the week I was actually in a pretty good mood. Maybe it was because the weather finally warmed up a bit, maybe because I was done with my third module of the academic program, having only one more module to go. I finally figured out how to resolve the tangled issue of previously mentioned universality and cultural relativity when it came to human rights, wrote a pretty darn good legal argument about international law and humanitarian intervention, did a kick ass job on a presentation… Walking out of Heller early Friday morning, after having handed in yet another assignment I felt relieved, happy. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, the air smelled of spring… “Maybe I should give myself a reward, buy a sweater, maybe a new pair of shoes,” I thought to myself, as I walked home, looking forward to indulging myself in doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the day, possibly taking a trip to Boston on Sunday, to buy the said reward…
However, despite the good mood that finished off my week, I’ve been having a pretty lousy weekend, and that’s not simply due to uncooperative weather that made me cancel my tentative trip to the city and has kept me locked up indoors for the last forty eight hours. When one doesn’t have a whole lot on her daily agenda, one inevitably keeps going back to the reoccurring thoughts that might have been circling around one’s mind. And since close friends and family have gotten sick of hearing about my woes of late, I thought I would turn to my last resort and vent on this blog.
So, yeah, things that bother me right now – the same things that have been bothering two months ago, three months ago, maybe even longer… I am clueless as to what I want to do with myself after this May, when I am done with this semester. I am not sure what I actually can do come this May. All I know is that I am supposed to be at a practicum of some sorts. That can be an internship or an actual job, as long as it’s related to the field of interest, does not involve doing my own research and can serve as basis for writing my Master’s paper.
Here’s the thing though – on one hand I don’t have a quite clear picture of what I want to do. Or to correct myself – things that I want to do I am not quite qualified for (blame my weak background in econ and statistics). On the other hand, pretty much all more or less decent internships are unpaid. And the truth is, I cannot afford an unpaid internship. So I am looking for jobs. Entry level jobs in the field of sustainable international development that do not involve the aforementioned advanced stats and econ skills. And boy, is the process frustrating. I don’t think I ever mastered the whole art of self-promotion and selling myself thing. What am I supposed to say here? I’m smart, I’m smart, I go to a tough preppy school and get good grades, I’m smart, I speak three languages, I really care for the poor, I’m smart, I’M SMART, god damnit, now WILL YOU HIRE ME ALREADY?
So I am coming to realize that as respectable as Brandeis degree is, it is a pretty generic one to make you a specialist of anything in particular. International development is a pretty broad field that encompasses a wide range of disciplines from environmental conservation and sustainability to poverty alleviation, economic development, human rights, gender issues and everything else in between. But really, you’re not graduating as an ecologist or an environmental engineer to be able to really tackle the issues of the environment. Nor are you coming out being a human rights specialist – for that there are programs in law schools. If you want to work on economic development, then you’re gotta be – come on, take a wild guess – an economist maybe? Did I really need another reason to tell me that I didn’t make the smartest choice when I came to Brandeis?
Also, even the lowly bottom of the barrel entry level position of a program associate in any lousy DC NGO requires (and I’m not kidding here) FIVE years of relevant experience, on top of an advanced degree. No more or no less. Now, do you think that if I had five year’s of relevant experience with an advanced degree I would be applying for a job of a program associate? Give me a break already. I don’t think I have ever, EVER in my life felt more unqualified and … I guess, worthless and limited in what I can do. I do keep applying to anything from human rights advocacy to gender issues to small project management to micro-finance … everything that comes on my radar that I can be even remotely considered suitable. Perhaps part of the reason I feel so limited is because I do limit my search to one and only location of Washington DC (or Richmond, but no big market there), since I decided that I really do not feel like working overseas or any other spot in the States in the near future. Even if devil tells me to try to find a job back at home, the only thing that I’ve been able to find is a ten week microfinance fellowship (not long enough) and internships (paid) with USAID (require US citizenship that I do not have).
So back to the job hunt. A part of me has been entertaining the thought that in case I don’t manage to find something that is at least remotely suitable for my field and doesn’t require me taking out another huge student loan to cover my living expenses, my only other choice is to defer my second year – something that neither the boy nor my mother will hear about. And that, frankly, pisses me off. It’s one thing to be able to do what you want to do, it’s another thing to be able to afford what you want to do. Nor could I really afford this fancy education in the first place, especially since the more I think about, the more worthless it appears to be. And the whole chain of thoughts repeats again. Also, makes my kick-ass legal arguments and carefully composed papers seem completely pointless. Or maybe I’m worthless. And I have this lousy feeling as a proof for the latter. So much for buying a new sweater as a reward.
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