After days of rain, the sun finally came out.
During the past few weeks I hardly left the apartment. Spent my time on the couch, entertaining myself with mindless distractions. It’s curious how I alternate between periods of hard work and intense productivity and periods of complete slothfulness…

I’m slowly coming to realize that the quiet domesticity I’ve been enjoying throughout this break is nothing but a decoy, a cop-out, a disguise of sorts… Domesticity is comfort. False comfort. It gives an appearance of order, normality. A perfectly cooked meal speaks of ordinariness. Clean bathroom and sparkling dishes give resemblance of order. If I got the floors moped, I will feel better. If I pick up the clutter, things will appear less chaotic. And likewise, if I choose to rebel, if I reject the notion of domesticity, cleanliness and order I will completely give in to chaos…

And yet, I do not think that even the most perfectly cooked turkey breast will be able to disguise any longer that there is something wrong, something very very wrong in all this. And I’m not sure if seeing someone this time around will do anything to help.

I do not like this time of year.
I do not like the weeks that follow the holidays. They are full of complete and utter disappointment.

I see myself in someone else’s story. I see my past repeat itself in her present. I am envious of her in a way – what she’s facing now is the world of endless possibilities and all the promise that they hold. I’ve been there before. I still remember how it feels. And it’s making me nostalgic.

In a few more days things will fall back to their usual routine. My thoughts will settle down into a neat string of numbers. Logic and rationality will keep discordant feelings at bay. If I wait this one more week out, everything will be back to ok. Not great, but at least better than this self-inflicted torture of constant questioning and doubts. Things won’t have to be existential anymore. They will simply be rational, predictable, resolvable. Endless possibilities will be left for another life or yet another world that I will go back to come Monday….