It’s always been hard for me to voice what’s really bothering me. I’ve never been good at expressing unprocessed emotions, frustrations, fears and anger. I have been equally unsuccessful in dealing with uncertainties, although what’s ironic is that these uncertainties often arise from my refusing to openly say what’s really on my mind and what exactly it is that makes me feel uncertain, uncomfortable, insecure at any given moment. I’m shielded in a way. There’s things that I simply cannot bring myself to talk about. Sometimes I cannot even write them out – this whole blog, or most part of it is a collection of cryptic messages, riddles that no one besides me can decipher. Why is it so hard for me to simply say, like I would be stating a fact that “ “This is white.”, “This is black.”, “This bothers me.”, “”This is what I’m afraid of.”, “This is what I need.”, “This is what I’d like to know...”. Do I actually think that by voicing such thoughts of discomfort and fear is going to kill me? Like words would cut my throat before they even reach my mouth? Is it really that big of a deal to let someone other than myself know that I’m uncomfortable, in pain, hopeful, wistful, in need of something, afraid of something else.

Is the fear of being rejected or misunderstood so great? Or is it simply because I do not think that my own feelings or needs are good enough or important enough to be voiced? Either way, these are some deeply rooted issues, and as much as I hate issues and would rather ignore than deal with them, I have to admit that they bother me on ongoing basis and inevitably result in my growing bitterness, resentment, frustration, which when bottled up for over a period of time, ends up exploding in a most graceless and emotionally messy way.

I am not sure when and how it happened that I simply stopped letting others know about what i feel and how i feel about whatever it is that may be important to me. When did i start to believe that showing need or emotion is a sign of weakness? Perhaps if I dig a little deeper, I will find a specific cause – some past event that has brought this on, but so far I’ve learned that analyzing past issues only gives me an understanding of the cause itself and does not necessarily help me deal with consequences. The consequence is that what once used to be a justifiable fear of rejection has grown into a habit of not talking and bottling up. And being more concerned about keeping certain appearances. That showing emotion, need, dependency, voicing fears, frustrations are signs of weakness, inadequacy, incompetency and that it will inevitably end up hurting and disappointing me. And that as long as I keep all of it nicely hidden, I will not run to risk of appearing weak or being hurt, even if the pain of unvoiced emotions is much greater than actual rejection. Since then I’ve been very successful in hiding all that stuff, in convincing not only others but myself as well that I’m fine, that I don’t need anything, even at times when I really, desperately need help, compassion, understanding. And just like it was with food, I sometimes deny all love, compassion and understanding to myself, thinking that I do not deserve it. I have become very successful giving an appearance of being fine. Since then I have developed great tolerance for pain and discomfort. I have eliminated my needs to the very basic. I’ve learned to live without expectations from others. I have become extremely self-sufficient and independent. Obsessively, to the point of neurosis independent only to realize not that long ago that this obsession with being self-sufficient and independent is driven by nothing else but the past fear of being rejected. Even when there are no longer any grounds for this fear.

What bothers me now is that even after knowing and understanding all of the above, I still choose to deal with these issues in the same habitual way, of keeping quiet, pretending to be fine and dealing with them on my own. What bothers me now is that I still choose to put myself in blatantly ambivalent and uncomfortable situations whereas for the most part these situations can be avoided if I choose to as much as hint that there is something wrong. What bothers me now is that I still seem to be more concerned about keeping certain appearances, like being strong, self-sufficient, cool, reserved, polite, nice, undemanding than actually being honest with myself and everyone else. Even if I don’t even care whether I’m strong, self-sufficient, cool or reserved. And what bothers me most is that I rather label all my uncertainties with “questions you don’t ask” and shove them away instead of having the courage to ask them and live and deal with answers. Especially when I know that pain is not what I’m afraid of anymore.

reposting

There are questions you do not ask….
Because you no longer want to know the answers. You don’t need them, just like the questions themselves, they’re pointless…So you push these questions far back to the corner of your mind, keeping them quiet and still, locked.

And there are questions you do not ask no matter how badly you want to know the answers. You try to ignore them, hoping that these questions will outlive themselves and disappear completely from your event horizon…
It’s not important,
It does not matter- you keep saying to yourself… cause you know that deep down you already know the answers to even the unborn questions and the only thing you can do is accept them each in its own time.

And you live day by day in self inflicted bliss of denial and ignorance, choosing it as your only mode to exist, knowing that the only thing you can ask and hope for is that you wake up the next morning…

* I no longer question. I merely accept. And I’m no longer afraid of pain- you don’t question pain just like you don’t question your own happiness…

I’m no longer afraid of getting hurt- and by having realized this I seem to have somehow eliminated all the possible pain I may have to endure at whatever point in the future.

i already miss Richmond.
i haven't even left yet...
i woke up this morning with a tight knot in my stomach and a pang of panic as if i was already gone, feeling disoriented, lost, alone and nostalgic. i still have what seems another eternity of four months left... and i already miss Richmond.

Spring on Monument Avenue

Snippets

A man and two women sitting outside at Betty's. Drinking wine. Smoking. Laughing. Engaged in a light and leisurely conversation. They seem to be enjoying themselves. The man gets up and leaves, soon to come back carrying a white cardboard box, our of which chocolate cake comes out. They start eating the cake, continuing the conversation and as i watch them, i can't help thinking how cool it is to have someone to bring you chocolate cake, while you're hanging out on a Saturday afternoon thinking that life could not get any better.

***
Once i woke up in the studio apartment of a guy i used to spend considerable amount of time with, to find out that he wasn't in bed. This rarely happens, since i'm usually the one who's always first to wake. He was in the shower, the door between the room and the hallway shut. He had closed it intentionally for the noise not to wake me up. i found this little detail very touching and endearing. Later the same morning i made french toast and scrambled eggs for him, and left his place with a smile on my face.

***
I have a whimsical, almost wistful desire to have someone bring me breakfast as i'm waking up. Or make breakfast for someone other than myself, even all that it involves is making coffee and pouring milk into a bowl of cereal. But i almost always end up with men who generally do not eat breakfast. Bummer.

I have so far learned to tell the difference between a regular and diet drink. But to learn to tell apart Coke from Pepsi is yet another skill to be mastered...

On accomplishments

I used to wonder whether accomplishment is about the actual achievement of some kind of end-result or the feeling that arises when you know you’ve done something productive, positive, no matter how small. I used to further wonder whether this end-result had to be something tangible, valuable or material or was abstract and just as relative as anything else.

I don’t really like the word accomplishment – it’s too finite for me, too definitive, too focused on this end-result, whereas I do things for the sake of the process and would rather not think of its outcome.

I’ve never had a clear view of what I’d like to do with myself, things I’d like to have, or have accomplished. True, since I was little I liked to speculate about what I could be or do, more considering those options with wishy-washy wistfulness than any kind of seriousness of intent. With the exception of becoming a doctor - I was pretty determined on that one for a while until my mother talked me out of and for which I’m forever grateful to her. Since then I've dreamed about becoming a biologist, psycologist, a writer, but I could have just as well been dreaming about being an airline hostess, train conductor or astronomer.

If you asked me some five-seven years ago where I thought I would be at this point of my life, I would hardly have a clue, and Richmond would certainly not be one of the places I would start guessing.

The problem with me has never been about being or not being able to do things that I want to do – the problem has always been in not wanting to do anything at all, and being depressed, bitter and disillusioned to even get motivated enough to do something. And if that was not the case, it was insufficient amount of faith in myself that wouldn’t let me as much as even try. And besides most of my late teen and early adult life was spent worrying and taking care of things of more basic and imminent nature, like supporting myself, helping my mother, making sure that at least she didn’t have to worry about me. Granted considerable part of that time was spent feeling completely hopeless and apathetic and helpless to try and change anything. Another part was spent in an unsuccessful and failed relationship that was a complete desaster, unless you consider choosing no relationship over a bad one as accomplishment in itself.

Today when I think about accomplishments, I can hardly name a few that appear important, significant. The fact that I was good in school and good at the very few things that I actually did end up trying hardly accounts for anything. Yes, I did manage to miraculously graduate from school with straight As, despite my less than exemplary attendance, my active attempts to drop out at the beginning of each semester, and simply not going to class the whole senior year. And yes, I’ve always been successful in finding jobs that I more or less liked and was appreciated enough to feel “accomplished” about them (one of my bosses actually called me the best legal assistant he had had, since the existence of the firm – how awesome is that?). I’ve been described as “talented, promising, bright” - but when it comes to accomplishments, I really don't have much to brag about. I have not written a book, made a movie, become famous. I haven’t built homes or opened a business. I don’t have exciting experiences of exotic countries and foreign cultures other than what I’ve found here and the ones that were sort of “given” to me by birth. I really haven’t done anything much at all, except for moving from States back home and back to the States again every two-three years or so ever since I was fifteen.

And yet, when I think about what matters to me, and what I feel “accomplished” about, a few things come to mind. Being able to pull myself out of my previous hopeless and helpless state was an accomplishment. Overcoming depression, bitterness and apathy was another one. Saying no to a relationship that was bad and harmful for me and realizing why exactly it was bad and what about it was so harmful for me was an accomplishment. Staying alive and not breaking down after a strenuous, emotionally demanding breakup was an accomplishment. Choosing my sanity over chaos was accomplishment. Giving up my illusions, delusions, utopias and dystopias and learning to live and cope with the reality as it is was certainly an accomplishment. Overcoming an eating disorder was one of the greatest thing I have ever done, knowing that I did it on my own makes it even better. Being able to overcome part of my fears and starting to make weak, but at least some kind of attempts to do things that I want to do is an accomplishment. Learning to appreciate life as it is and being happy with the mere thought of being alive is an accomplishment. Having been in a new relationship for almost a whole year without going crazy about any of my past relationship issues is definitely an accomplishment. Learning to dream again is probably the greatest one of them all.

I may have not accomplished much, but I’m still young enough to afford to think that the greatest part of my life is still ahead of me. I may or may not write a book, make a movie, save the world or millions of dollars. But at least I have overcome one of my greatest fears – the fear of living – and that, definitely is an accomplishment.

Where does a Human Rights and Social Movements major find work without prior experience?

Mental checklists

of things that i absolutely have to do
(even though i keep ignoring and postponing them as long as i possibly can, trying to pretend that one can be an adult and be just as fine without...)

• Get a divorce (seriously!!!)
• Learn to drive and get a license (and dont even ask me to elaborate on this one...)
• Get a credit card (sounds easier than it actually is)
• Get a degree!!!

and things that i'd like to do at one point or another, with no particular order

• Make a bead curtain
• Take a photography class just for the sake of it
• Write a research paper on causes and origins of poverty
• See the fat bastard one more time
  
• Make a documentary about Armenia
• Teach my own class at Yerevan State University of Linguistics the way i wish the classes were taught to me
• Write a book - "Perfect Vacuum" that currently lingers as an unfinished blog project. Maybe even turn it into an artsy, surreal, david lynch like film that nobody would watch.
  
• Speaking of David Lynch - i'd like to meet him and try to talk him into visiting the lovely town of Kapan, that is in the South of Armenia- a town that would be dead was it not for an old Soviet mine that is currently run by the British (?) - is it still them, digging out there? A place with really desperate people and freaky things happening that everybody knows but no one talks about-Twin Peaks without the excitement. To imagine what great source of inspiration this would be for David Lynch to make a whole new miniseries that would be so much better than the Twin Peaks...
• Make an apple pie and learn to say "pie" in a deep Southern accent that i find so cute and am still unable to master.
• Get a job in Planning Commission of the City of Richmond, the likelihood of this being very slim - that is if i decide to settle down here after i'm tired of my yet unstarted career of foreign aid work and am ready to trade it for community development, which is another way of naming miscellaneous projects that do not fit neither under urban planning nor under social work, but sound nice and cute enough to be considered.
  
• Have a kid, and if it happens to be a girl, name her Inessa, after my Bosnian roommate who i lived with back in Charlottesville
  
• Get another degree, in counceling, and work with people with eating disorders.
• When i'm old, and i mean really old, become an armchair astronomer and try to figure out the secrets of the universe...
  

Recently I was asked if I ever wanted to go back home to Armenia. Or rather, the question was put before me this way: “You don’t want to go back to your country, do you?” The question itself struck me as ridiculous, if not insulting, and despite the fact that lately I have been wondering whether I actually will be going back home anytime soon and knowing that I’m in a much healthier place now, that I’m away from everything that used to frustrate and aggravate me about my own country, my immediate respond to the question was “Why? Of course I want to go back. I love it there…” In respond to which I got a look of disbelief and something resembling pity – the way you look at slightly disturbed people, like they don’t know any better…

It makes me slightly uncomfortable to think that I might be looked upon as a refugee, who was lucky enough to escape a post-communist, underdeveloped third world country and has found shelter in this land of freedom, wealth and prosperity. As much as I know that this is not the case, I am aware that very often that’s exactly how I am perceived. As much as I try to persuade them (as well as myself) otherwise, I am not sure if I will be able to list at least one rational and legitimate reason for my being here, other than this "wealth, freedom and prosperity". I’m here after all, aren’t i? This time neither as a student, nor an “alien relative”, my permanent residency status obtained in series of rather unfortunate than lucky events. In a way I feel like I’m being hypocritical. I could have chosen not to come back at all, or if I had to, follow all the steps to obtain a student vise before I was granted a residency status. Yet I made the choice, and even if I know that it wasn’t the promise of a “better life” that brought me here, I don’t think I will be able to explain to myself, let alone anybody else, why I chose to come back. Does personal paranoia of being trapped and landlocked in one place for too long stand as a valid reason? Do past unresolved issues and memories appear legitimate? Does it appear plausible that one day I would probably be just as happy to leave the States, once again, for some other, completely unfamiliar and unexplored place? This pretty much ends all my arguments… So where do I go now?

The truth is, I’m split between the two countries. And it goes beyond liking them both, for one reason or another. Or disliking them, for that matter. They say when you spend considerable amount of time away from your own country, you will no longer be able to go back and feel at home in your own home. You change somewhere between exploring a new, different culture and reconsidering your own. It's inevitable, especially when the process starts when you're relatively young and flexible (I was fifteen, when I first got here). At the same time, as easy as it was for me to adapt to this new country (and I do not think that it’s possible to get more assimilated than I am right now, unless I was born here), I will never be able to feel fully at home here either, knowing that as open as I am, I will always be foreign, to one degree or another.

Being split between two completely different cultures, this partial assimilation to the new, acquired culture and dissimilation from your own gives you a unique, dual vision of both worlds, and a somewhat split and at times surreal sense of reality. It is both fascinating and overwhelming at the same time. It takes away the ability to take any social, cultural or political phenomenon for granted, or as some kind of an absolute. It makes you constantly question, compare reconsider, and makes you a bigger skeptic than you'd actually want to be. They say that’s how you grow beyond cultural borders and broaden your outlook, but perhaps that’s just being spread thin and scattered, with a feeling of being constantly uprooted…

It’s true that a part of me is glad to be away from Yerevan. As much as I love it, I know that it’s better that I’m away right now. It’s not starvation, oppression and economic hardship that I’m trying to escape, but whatever the reason is, I should consider myself fortunate, if for nothing else, at least for having a choice to be here on my own volition. Something that many others don’t and will not have. But at the same time, I have this nagging feeling that by being away from home, I am missing something important and valuable and losing the grip of the reality there. As if soon enough I won’t be able to claim it as my own ( and more on this later…)
It actually disturbs me more than being considered a first generation refugee-immigrant who was lucky enough to escape whatever it was she was trying to escape.

Twelve Random Musings

that i'm too lazy to turn into full blogs, but i've never been good at blogging anyway, so what the hell...

• i drink coke when i'm bored - and by coke i mean every carbonated soft drink that's out there. I do not drink it very often, the reason i mention this is cause i'm drinking coke (Mountain Dew) right now, which means i'm bored out of my mind - it's Friday, and i really do not want to do any more work.
  

• Morning is my most favorite part of the day. I like the promise and possibilities it holds, even if the day ends up being as undistinguished and uneventful as any other ordinary day. Still, i find the promise of early morning almost intoxicating, when even the most unlikely event still has a probability of happening.

• Breakfast is my most favorite and perhaps important meal of the day, and i always wake up looking forward to it. Even if it ends up being orange juice and a plain bagel. It hasn't been that long since i started appreciating the joy of something as simple as breakfast, having spent the most part of my “adult” life in self-induced semi-starvation and neglecting such basic needs as food.

• In no particular order: I like apples, peanut butter (and peanuts), bran muffins, cinnamon, crepes, dark chocolate (very dark chocolate, like 85% dark chocolate) and coffee - good coffee, only good coffee, and always freash, preferably brewed and not filtered, the coffee that i make, although occasionally I’ll opt out for starbucks, which leads to…

• I’m a starbucks junky – not because I’m all that crazy about their different kinds of coffees with names that are a foreign language – it's more about the feeling of gratification and self-pampering that every one of their cardboard togo cups holds. i also like the idea of coffee shop culture - long afternoons spent outside some coffee shop (most likely the nearest starbucks) with a good book or a notebook, random encounters and bonding over a cup of coffee between complete strangers... I like the sense of familiarity of seeing the people who frequent that one particular store that i go to and the realization that i'm one of the regulars, especially when i get a free refill or a whole muffin for that matter. This leads to...

• Coffee shops are one of the best places to watch people. People watching is one of the most amusing activities - the better you get at it, the better the stories that you make up to match every face you see, the better the chances in predicting their behavior at any random social situation. I draw comfort from the fact that as random and bizarree human character is, there are certain patterns that can be foreseen, certain behavioural codes, unwritten rules that you intuitively know - and how much in common we all have. Bars are another good place to people watch, although a completely different world with its own, completely different rules - it's amazing to realize that i've learned more about life and people during a year of barhopping when i was in Yerevan, than in the previous five years taken together.
  

• I love cities – or rather the idea of a city, any city. More specifically, downtown. Something about tall buildings and streams of roaring traffic and crowd that makes me feel small, anonymous, almost invisible. I love the feeling of being small next to something so vast and big, I like feeling the weight of those building on my shoulders, i feel safe and hidden in the crowd. i like the noise, smells, sounds - the pace of the city. i wish i worked downtown, since at present moment I ‘m fascinated with downtown Richmond. Funny thing is, although people keep telling me that i will really like Boston, i never had a desire to see it. And still dont. But I'll be moving there in a few months, so we'll see... Cities I’d like to check out in the near and maybe not so near future while I’m in the States - Baltimore, Philadelphia, Charleston, Nawlins at some point, and maybe San Francisco. At some point SF was the top of my list, but lately I'm more drawn to working class, crime-ridden, decaying neighborhoods, which leads to…

• I have a strange and dark fascination with urban decay – as much as i'd like to elaborate on this one, i can't quite explain what it is about things old and rustic that i find attractive, genuine and real...

• Sometimes during my evening walks (and I walk all over the place), when the lights in the windows start coming out, I like looking at the houses and trying picture the people who live there, wondering what their life, or a random moment of their day is like – what they do when they wake up in the morning, how they spend their evenings after they've finished dinner and settled quietly for the night – musings that give me an almost whistful, nostalgic longing, although I know that I’m longing for something I have never had…

• I also like to picture myself in most random and improbable situations and places, trying to imagine different lives that i could have had - trying them on like one would try an outfit... knowing that this one life that i have is way too short for me to experience everything that i wish i could...
  

• Other places that I’d like to see and maybe live in at some point of my life or another: Istanbul (I can’t believe I didn’t go there when I was so close and had a chance); Beirut (for me the symbol of Orient); Tehran, Prague, Budapest and maybe Samarqand… or take that random holiday to Spain and while i'm at it, stop at Lisbon and Morocco on my way...

• I’m still trying to decipher the true and full meaning of decadence…

Last night, for the first time in a while, I was falling asleep without any unresolved and disturbing issues pressing on my mind, and as tired as I was, I felt peaceful, happy, somewhat accomplished... I am not sure whether it was the nice weather, the run we went for earlier, great dinner of steak and roasted potatoes, or the overall quiet and relaxing evening, but I felt happy and grateful and was soon fast asleep, as I thought about the coming day and realized that I’m actually looking forward to it.

It's all about possibilities...
I'm a sucker for possibilities. I have left countries, marriage, changed places, turned my life upside down in the name of these possibilities. Without them life turns pale, mundane, it's safe, secure, perhaps even comforting in some ways, but it's limited, predictable...

I always said that any given choice that's limited in its options is not a choice at all, but rather a forced decision. I need to know that at any given situation there will always be more than a limited number of choices. I need a life of possibilities that go beyond a career, income, security. Possibilities that allow me to be at any place at any given time, even if my decisions are driven by whims and do not necessarily follow logic. Even if after making any given choice, however random and whimsical, i'll be eliminating all the rest of the options, at least i will know that my i was making a free choice, instead of being forced to choose between black or white.

I'm restless again. Impatient. Part of me wants time to pass quickly, since i cannot wait to find out what's going to happen next. And yet another part of me is stalling, wishing that i had more time, a little more time, although i know that even if i had all the time in the world, it wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough...

And i'm running again. Running in hope to find answers, to chase away frustration and uncertainties, running for distraction, when it becomes too unbearable to sit still for another minute, to think for another minute. when it becomes impossible to wait, and wait and wait, losing count in hours, days... to suddenly realize in panic that another month is over... and wishing i had more time...

Once i was told that as long as I knew whether i was running away from or towards to, i would be fine. And once again, i have no clue, and i have too little time to try and figure that one out. so i run, and run in hopes to tire myself out, because at least then i can give myself some rest - something that i'm starting to lose - I'm becoming restless...

ambivalence

Perhaps it's only a moment and this time will pass.
all i can really do is wait and let things balance out themselves.

Perhaps it is perfectly ok to be languid and idle and not want to do anything for a while.

After all, inspiration can not be forced. can't wish for a change for the sake of change. can't force myself into decisions i'm still not ready to make. it will all happen in its own time. all the fret and worries simply taint what otherwise could be calm and spotless happiness. and undisturbed peace.

i could be happy. if only i let it be. and cherish this moment for what it really is.
no more and no less.
a moment to be still and quiet. and grateful.

after all it's only a moment. and it will pass, like everything else.

I keep telling myself that all I want is some sense of normality and a little peace of mind. But I stop right there without further questioning of what this normality entails. What exactly does it mean, normality, to me- this one, seemingly simple, and yet the most relative, subjective and changeable concept of all? Where do I draw the line, my own personal line, between what’s normal and acceptable and what’s not? How do I make my own definitions of uniform ordinariness? And why, why is it that this sense of normality is so important to me now?

Once I used to find comfort in a newfound realization of how similar we, as humans, are. And how much there is that we share in common. Made it easier for me to accept and understand myself and relate to someone outside of my skin; gave me compassion and tolerance towards others for merely being human... And being connected to every other human and not alone in our behavior patters, thoughts and emotions. It made me happy – just thinking about it. Somewhat relieved of unnecessary pressure of trying to be different, special in some way. Even remotely distinguished by something other than being just another human being...

But then, i can't help but question whether this is a cryptic way of justifying my complete lack of ambition or any kind of aspiration for not wanting something that would make me more distinguished than the person next to me. And whether this lack of desire is as humble as it may appear at first glance or simply a sign of laziness, as if by accepting my averagness I’m giving up the effort to be something more, something better – at least a better version of myself, if not distinguished.... but then, again, i ask whether there is even half as much comfort in this sense of distinguishness as there is in the ordinariness of someone who's humble in his own humanity…

What I want is simple. Ordinary. Uncomplicated. Real. Tangible. And not abstract. I need a sense of security, stability, a sense of being protected… some kind of confidence of being able to deal with whatever future may hold for me. A need for companionship, of knowing that I’m not alone, and not in some generalized abstract sense, but in the most immediate sense of having someone physically present with you and interacting with you on the most immediate physical levels. Having the comfort of knowing that that presence is lasting, will be lasting. Wanting a place that you can call your own, a place that will give you the protection you need and partially the sense of security. A need for a home… your own home- these are all simple and ordinary things, yet very concrete things to want and need… it’s natural for someone to want to have it, is it not? It’s normal, human… basic - is it not?

If it is so, then why is it that a certain part of me feels guilty, somewhat guilty, that by wanting and choosing those things I’m forgetting and leaving out something that might be just as important? Perhaps not as common and ordinary, but as equally important?

*** interlude

i'm depressed beyond all acceptable limits. I'm also bored, tired and unmotivated as i haven't been in quite a long time. It's quite sad to realize that what once used to inspire and motivate me has ceased to create as much as a tiny spark of interest. These days there's hardly one single thing that can hold my attention, let alone interest, for longer than five minutes. The daily routine is overbearing in its monotony. Work is dull and without challenges- and it keeps reminding me day after day how trivial everything is- and most of all- how trivial i am with everything that i once believed in.

i find myself hour after hour inside four walls of a very small room- yet there really isn't anywhere else that i can go. Except to work. and then back. to the same confined space- my temporary dwellings. and i fail to find a way out. i fail to find challenges to inspire me to keep going a day at a time- an hour at a time. and without challenges i wither- thus the depression- the thought of impending stagnation- and so discomforting it feels.

The fact that i'm here for only temporarily doesn't make it any better... Makes my stay appear as a long and meaningless wait. Until it's time to move on. To yet another stage. Temporary again. And that's what's most unsettling of all - the uncertainty, the lack of anything finite. Definite. After all, as it turns out, i do need definitions- i need definitions for the peace of mind and the sake of that sense of normality that now i need more than anything else. i need those definitions so that i can reconcile myself with my surroundings and accept them as something known, familiar, welcomed.

i dont have any of it now.
neither the acceptance, nor the certainties, nor the familiarity of a place that could feel like home. or almost like home.

i'm quietly going insane.
and home is years away from now...

[...]

but then, there are moments when i'm happy, like i've never been before and the dark, desolate place of sadness appears far, far away and it seems that i've never been alone, helpless, sick and depressed... and i hold on to those moments as closely as i can, because without them there will be nothing left, and nothing is a terrible thing to be holding on to...

"My best days don't look especially different to the rest of the world than my very worst ones do. In my own head, though, I feel just a little bit better, a little more hopeful, a little more like it may not always hurt so much, like it may not always be such hard work to get through a day without doing things I wish I didn't do or thinking things I wish I didn't think. "

T.S.T

Patience

"What do you wish you had more of in life?"

"Optimism..."

"Falling up like silent paper,
holding on to what may be...

It's a funny time of year,
there'll be no blossoms on the trees..."

It's become changeable like weather. My mood. Gradually getting worse, as days get darker and colder. It's interesting to realize that there is a clinical term for this- fading daylight anxiety syndrome- or even seasonal affective disorder. To realize that moodiness is caused by simply not getting enough daylight and that all the sadness is simply because of some part of the brain not producing enough of one kind of hormone or another. Or fails to connect one kind of neurotransmitter to another. Nothing but biochemistry. Sounds complicated, but not more than trying to get to the core of what really saddens me at this time of the year... Cause i will get lost before i reach the core anyway. That's what antidepressants are for. Although these days i merely sedate myself with advil, David Gray and sleep, and the other day i caught myself saying "i almost wish it was over..."

The smells of fall, late fall, bitter sweet and tart, of wet leaves and soil, of chestnuts…. And I’m craving cider and cooked apples, cinnamon and nutmeg and roasted almonds, hot steam, wet soil again, and leaves and trees and rain…

Charlottesville...

It's amazing how selective memory can be. Certain events come in smallest detail, when entire months are vague and completely blurred. when i try to remember, i get a splitting headache, and then, it comes back, a scene, a detail, like a shooting pain- and i recall names, faces, random events... i have to wonder whether i really was here once... that it really did happen. that i spent an entire summer and part of fall here, once, six years ago. But then i have to remind myself that if it didn't happen, i would not be where i am today in the first place. I dare not call it fate- but then what do you make out of this random play of circumstances? A self-fulfilling prophecy that brought itself into life? Or maybe gods trying to tell me that you cannot run away from your past- it comes back to you when you lease expect it- the reminders of those months, six years ago, right next to me, now, as i look back, watching the city disappear in twilight.

And five summers back i wrote:

"I feel like I’m tied to a rope and am constantly testing the limits of my reach. I am standing at the crossroad, in an endless wait for the right tick, right tock, the right moment in time... All i have is a speck of hope, that of a fool, and the fool is me.

And yet, deep inside me i know that I am happy— so i go on holding on to this hope...

It may sound pathetic, but I am not desperate, not even whistful. Perhaps somewhat inadequate. Scattered and split. A little bit cynical, and that is starting to scare me. But no longer desparate. It went away when August was over.
Now it's everything after. And I am happy.
That changes a lot of things.
And I find this almost reassuring."

Indolence

Propinquity

blow the eyelash off your finger.
make a wish. turn it into a dream. draw it, like you'd draw a picture.
paint it with bright colors and whistful longing.

make a snapshot of the dream to capture it in its smallest detail.

that's your dream. it's pretty. implausible yet almost real.

now fold it up, tuck it away and put it in the farthest corner of your mind. to never think about it again.

then one day, years from now, take it out, whipe the dust off of its yellowed surface, colors faded, outlines dimmed, thinking to yourself "i once dreamed about this. i made the pretty picture- i must have been really happy then..." to suddenly realize that you made the dream come true by simply letting it be, and letting it linger and that you're living that very dream in quiet everydayness...

You are where you are and there's no way of going back. not only because it's not possible, but also because you no longer want to- and yet, at moments you see a glimpse of your future, still vague and undefined projected by your past, reflecting everything that brought you where you are now and where you will be at whatever random point in time.

i'm here. i'm real.
i'm breathing. i can see and hear.

i'm happy...

i'm happy to be here. happy to see you. happy because it's a nice day and it didnt rain and that i found a new song and that starbucks has come up with a pumpkin spice latte. i'm happy that the summer's over.
it's quiet.
and peaceful.

i'm in love.
with life.
with this city,
with you.
there, i said it.
can i go home now?

Richmond. Downtown.

the heat will start breaking after the storm-
the summer is almost over...
it's the end of august
and everything after...

It's raining and rain brings relief. I can feel the tension in my neck and my back slowly go away-it seems like i've been hodling my breath for way too long... I seem to have won yet another battle with myself- i wonder if there's ever an end to this seemingly neverending struggle- and once again i have to remind myself that acceptance is the key to understanding, and if i have to learn the hardest way, at least i can be happy for having gotten out of this alive for yet another time.

it's raining and rain brings acceptance
it washes away all doubts and fears.

i can see it clearly now. i seem to know the end with an almost astounding clarity, as if it's happening now... A picture of a moment in the future frozen in the eye of the mind, like a snapshot- and yet this time i can no longer put myself ahead of time and try to live in dual vantage points- for what's between now and the end is what i do not know, cannot see and cannot foretell. i dont even try to. Cause what's between now and the end is an interval of time that's infinite in itself, filled with moments like the present-too bright and too intense for me to want to look beyond it.

Waking to a gray morning of milky light and thinning shadows, to step outside, still warm from sleep, to watch the start of the day... And somewhere close by a train gives a long whistle; the day is slowly unfolding as I watch the sky change color and the rays of sun touch the tops of the trees.

And somehow, in my frenzied and wistful search for “real” life I let myself forget that after all, it’s the simple everydayness of ordinary things that make life as real as it is- and life, as it feels now is truly amazing.

Lately i have been running into people who seem to be carrying some cryptic message for me. Lately i've been running into strangers that make me stop and think whether this is merely a coincidence or there really is a reason for me to stumble upon them. It seems like everywhere i go these days i meet someone who's ready to reveal a snippet of their life to me, all so disturbing and drastically different from my own, and yet each with its own catch, a connective point- makes me wonder what i can possibly have in common with them all when trying to imagine what it's like to be each one of these people the lonely people, strange people, happy people, sick and disturbed people, young and reckless people. To ask myself whether it's them i see or only their stories, making them as grotesques, and i wonder if by trying to, for a moment, be them i am merely relating to that one side, that one aspect that i can relate to and can find in myself as well- and once again i have to ask myself how adequate i am in my perception and maybe it's just me, all in my head, perhaps it's time to once again reset the configurations of my own perception and make it better tuned to the reality so that i can truly connect with what's around me...

This day-of all days

just like the song foretells
it's almost like a desease-being free and being happy
if only it didn't come out of so much ugliness, misery and so many mistakes...
if i could take away all the pain that has been on the way of the becoming.

cause i'm slowly becoming,
and it's happening...

Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on...

[but no- what's not bound to happen, wont happen,
i never asked for more- only what is mine...]

-matchbox 20

...i wonder whether the reality as it is, stipped off of all its illusions and fantasies may appear more unbearably surreal than a delusion itself...

reAl v. suRreal v. unreal

sense of normality, if it ever exists.
the neverending issue of adequacy. how close can you get to objectivity?

do i have to give up the subjectivity of individual perception to be able to learn what normal is like?

Thinking of all the places and faces and things i remember, and those i can't forget and where i am now and where i will be in a month, a year, two years...

It's Richmond today.
At moments it's still hard for me to grasp that of all places in the world this is where i ended up, and that i'm actually here, at this very moment, when i might just as well be say... in Gainesville, or Jacksonville, Minneapolis, Boston or Yerevan for that matter. Or i could have done as I was advised-put my finger randomly on a map and go to a place where i do not know a single soul, like a vagabond in search of real life... perhaps i will do that at some point- i was still too scared to do it this time- and today I'm in Richmond-and i still have to wonder whether this was a choice or an inevitable consequence of the past years that brought me here...

The tale of the cities that never ends...

A whole new city and a new tale of red brick and magnificent trees, an old house in a quiet neighborhood and me suddenly at home in this still unfamiliar place... and i remember how it felt when i first got here- sitting at the VCU campus, struck by the realization of how much freedom i had at that very moment and how scary but at the same time intoxicating it felt... and how i asked for a day to turn into a week, but it wasn't until several weeks later when things started falling into their places... i wonder what could have happened in those few weeks and how things actually did end up turning out, how easily, after weeks of strain, they found their resolutions and quietly settled down...

it's been exactly three months and i can finally breathe... I am at peace and truly happy and even though the currenlt life may feel nothing but temporary, it IS happening, right now and right here, life- the life in slow motion and all i can do is live it, moment by moment, each in its [simple complexity].
before it all dissolves in the air...

and yet, on a brighter note:

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

since i still find the lyrics somewhat touching


-jason mraz, life is wonderful

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story...


and endless story
sounds like too much of an effort, at this point

time to reconsider...
and this time, no more twists and tricks, cause i should know better what that can get me into...

well... perhaps i am

am i?

what's on your mind-cause i can't read it...

search in vain for the right lyrics and the right tunes- and still you wont find a song that fits the current mood
make a riddle out of what's obvious- and spend the rest of your days trying to decipher it.
how fucking ironic, like it always is
ain't no love and you know it
dont judge, dont scoff, dont turn away
say it, say it out loudly- it's right there, staring at your face...
no need to wonder, and yet i do...

As painful as it is, it's become equally painfully easy to deal with it now. At some point i decided that it should no longer be so complcated anymore. It needn't be. The effort always turns out to be a waste anyway. You're right, laugh it off or shrug it off- move on, walk on- there's always a turn and a bend, and who knows what's around the bend. Something better or something worse- if there's such a thing as better, and not what goes best with the given circumstances. You always believed in circumstances anyway- the queen of randomness, a convert to chaos, no longer looking for cryptic reasons and cosmic causes- there's too much randomness in the universe for your little mind to figure out- how arrogant for you to assume that you could, even for a moment, get a glimpse of what lies there, beneath the thick layer of what you have finally come to call reality.

And yet, there was a time when i tried to see a pattern out of chaos, there was a time when i believed in reasons and meanings and pretty ideals. I laugh at myself now. I shrug it off. Turn away and leave. Since i no longer want to stand there watching the last hero walk away.

and so it is...

Just like [you thought] it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

The shorter story
No [fuss], no glory
No hero in [the] sky...

*

life in slow motion somehow it dont feel real...

reality overlap

" i see things that happened. i encounter images of myself in various places, but only at distance, as though i were watching someone else... it's out there, beyond what i can feel or touch, beyond anything that has to do with me..."

Paul Auster
Urban/modern nothingness

Laugh it off, shrug it off, joke it off, sleep it off- it will pass, like everything else... and yet, who am i kidding? it's not the clouds moving in the sky, it's my mind shifting, back and forth, from uncertainties of the day to firm determination to complete lack of orientation to sudden awareness and realization... and back again, always the same circle that gets me trapped inside my own mind.

I'm too old to be delusional. Too tired for this sort of thing. I should have been thicker skinned instead of crying over something so elusive that i cannot even grasp.
Shrug it or fake it, or better ignore it- it's something you blacklisted yourself and shunned it away. you say you dont want it. You're not cut for these sort of things. Not for this lifetime, anyway. So shrug it off or cry it out... and move on. You will be gone- soon.

uncertainty

the already way too familar eerie feeling that stems out of the unsureness with the reality. Sleepwalking through some kind of black and white world to switch back to sunlight and color again... yet the creepy feeling persists and it makes me shiver...

a part of me wants time to pass more quickly. I want to see what's going to happen, impatient to find out how the events will unfold themselves and where i will end up after i take another breath to stop and look back.

for right now, i'm clueless...

and yet, sometimes i have to stop and ask myself whether it is really necessary to twist everything around and put myself in the most absurd and least expected situations in order to be able to achieve that sense of normality that i've been looking for. I wonder whether there is a safer way of staying in touch with my own sanity and not break my back without having to fold over backwards, in a vain attempt to brings lose ends together...

Let me find my own definition

even if i myself wish to stay undefined...

Perhaps a lack of definition is in some way a definition of its own...

Give me a day,
Make it a week,
Everything will fall into their right places.


Give me a day,
Make it a week,
There an entire summer yet to be lived...

Spective. Reoccuring-rephrased

You think it’s easy
Sometimes it’s easy
But it’s not easy- you’re gonna break down and cry
You’re not important
You should be grateful
And if you’re wondering why…


There are questions you do not ask….
Because you no longer want to know the answers. You don’t need them, just like the questions themselves, they’re pointless…So you push these questions far back to the corner of your mind, keeping them quiet and still, locked.

And there are questions you do not ask no matter how badly you want to know the answers. You try to ignore them, hoping that these questions will outlive themselves and disappear completely from your event horizon…
It’s not important,
It does not matter- you keep saying to yourself… cause you know that deep down you already know the answers to even the unborn questions and the only thing you can do is accept them each in its own time.

And you live day by day in self inflicted bliss of denial and ignorance, choosing it as your only mode to exist, knowing that the only thing you can ask and hope for is that you wake up the next morning…

* I no longer question. I merely accept. And I’m no longer afraid of pain- you don’t question pain just like you don’t question your own happiness…

I’m no longer afraid of getting hurt- and by having realized this I seem to have somehow eliminated all the possible pain I may have to endure at whatever point in the future.

Still, I wonder whether this is yet another sign of being jaded or another step towards “self-liberation” (and I laugh at myself for having to use the “term”)

Gone. Disappeared. Vanished without a trace. Dissolved in the air. As if i never existed. Shifted realms, entered a new paradigm and in my dream I'm dreaming about a dream that is the future long lost to the past only to wake up and find it in my reality.

[perhaps this should have been posted under paranormal]

In the arms of a different sky

"make a circle in the sand
make a halo with your hands
make a place for me to land..."

cc

["Sometimes in this world there are things that make us question who we are. Question why we treat people the way we do and how people treat us. A cold night, grey sky, a lonely apartment, a phonecall. No matter how hard we try to figure out who we are and why others are the way they are, there is no single answer, no true solution. Time is the essence of it all, the ticking of the clock determines the fate of the world, the family, the relationship, the individual. The wrong tick, the wrong tock, the wrong moment in time. Yet with every passing tick it gets easier, with every passing tock it gets brighter. As time passes with sunrise and sunset, the air gets colder, then it gets warmer. There is no physical way to put it in reverse, look through the rearview mirror and take that right instead of that left. We are all bound by time, place, limits. Sometimes we just wish we could take that U-turn, back to the intersecion, stop, step out, look around, ask the same question with a new perspective and take a different path. NO REGRETS. We are limited to who we are now, not then, not going to be.
I will never forget.
I will always be here with my car in drive, listening to the clock go tick-tock and waiting for the next intersection. I will always be here. I will make time."]

In retrospect... quoting

"Because i was permanently confused, dissatisfied, unhappy, tormented by inadequacy, driven by wanting towards every kind of impossible future... I dont think i saw people except as appendages to my needs. It's as if i lived in a brilliantly lit haze, shifting and flickering according to my changing desires...
Maybe this is only a description of being young..."

Doris Lessing

It's spring behind my window...

Hitting the bottom to climb up again

What does it take to recover?
Why is it taking so long?
Does it have to get worse before it starts getting better?

I've lost the count of days in an endless wait.
stuck in between two worlds, neither here, nor there, but somewhere else, in the back of my head... trapped inside the four walls i so tried to once escape...

and yet, the more i think about it, the more i realize that there really is a reason to all this. perhaps i'd never have another chance to face all that i once wanted to forget, trying to deny the roots of my origin- this very room, the old view from the window, the endless hours spent dreaming of the moment when i'd be able to leave it all behind, and go without looking back.

it's only now that i know that there are always things that you can't leave behind

the gutter you've come from will always be with you- it gives you more room to spread out your roots. and yes, you are rooted to where you have come from and i'm finally coming to accept it.

Choirs of winter birds are calling...

Restless

and i'm restless again. restless for life, a kind of life at the rawest edge- raw, unpolished, sharp, scraping though the skin and cutting through the bone, a life of extreme that's almost on the verge of insanity... i keep saying to myself "all I need is some sense of normality..." and yet i keep throwing myself from one extreme to another, as if walking through some kind of mine field, constantly testing the limits of my reach, the limits of my freedom and my own sanity...

Spective

I used to wonder whether it was really possible to remain mentally and emotionally unaffected by certain experiences and whether it was this immunity that determined a certain level of maturity. I used to wonder whether this level of maturity was determined by the ability of putting certain experiences behind and moving on without looking back, without the feeling of remorse and regret. I used to wonder whether this is what made one jaded, and whether there was a limit to how jaded one could get.

Now I wonder whether there really is a point in trying to seek answers to questions that are better left unanswered. Makes you look like a fool when you ask anyway. So you let go- a simple act –once the hardest thing to do-almost effortless now…
Releasing the static cling from everything that once you held on to for mental and emotional support, using it as appendages to needs that didn’t need to exist anyway.

Acceptance is the key. It brings relief, Opens new perspectives.
Nothing more enlightening. And liberating.

I seem to have finally learned to reconcile the past with the present. I am finally able to look at my younger self with kinder, more loving and forgiving eyes. I have learned to put both the experiences and memories behind me and move on.

I have finally learned to stand on my own feet without the support of a concept or an idea, or any emotional stamina. And by doing so, I really have overcome my biggest fear of all-the fear of living.

Nine months

I remember waking up one Sunday morning in our white apartment, looking at the spotless walls and sun pouring into the room, getting up and wondering around the quiet and empty rooms with a growing feeling of discomfort. I remember looking at the clutter of familiar objects and feeling displaced, uprooted, out of place. Looking at myself from aside, in this spotless apartment in this perfect vision of happiness and domestic bliss and suddenly becoming afraid of how easily I was getting used to this life of comfort and how slowly and gradually I was getting sucked into it….

I had everything to be happy.
The scariest part was that I was happy in this bliss and I could see myself living an entire life like this, in this cloudless and comfortable existence which didn’t even take much effort to create and maintain. I remember the feeling of discomfort growing into panic and then restlessness with the thought that despite its promise of comfort and happiness this was not what I wanted, and that I did not belong to this life just like this life did not belong to me and to continue living it would be the greatest betrayal I could ever commit towards myself.

And now...
Sitting in a crowded bus, moving slowly on a desolate road, in the silence of hills and nothing but miles and miles of snow, thinking about that other life that seemed so remote and almost not real.

Almost nine months…
I could have had a child in this time.
I could have stayed in this almost perfect life that had everything that one might need. Including happiness.

Instead I shunned it away, rejecting it as something unwanted and almost unpleasant, and choose to return to a place that I once ran away from, to this godforsaken land of destitute that once held me captive and landlocked in the chain of mountains that once I wished to escape….

To go against all senses of rationality, to interrupt an entire life and leave it in shambles and disarray, and come here, of all the places in the world, at the brink of a nervous and physical breakdown and somehow, magically manage to stay alive and in one piece, and instead of breaking down, finding a different kind of happiness, the happiness of self-discovery and self-fulfillment…

[I laugh at myself, this whole story sounding so banal, no matter how drastically I changed it almost overnight, and how crazy were the events that followed afterwards… A textbook version, or rather, almost fiction, as if I was following a pattern, the steps already trodden by so many feet. The Fear of Flying. Children of Violence. The Hours…. And so many more similar untold stories….A woman at the brink of self-liberation…. Words like self-realization and self-discovery sounding almost like clinical terms.]

And yet...perhaps this was not the only thing to do. Perhaps this was not the smartest choice to make. And what I did or discovered was nothing new, nothing that was not known before. And yet this was my choice. A free choice, and not one offered to me among some other options. I made it, aware of the consequences. I made it, even though I myself was afraid. And by doing so, I overcame my biggest fear of all-the fear of living.

And as it turns out, I was not running away from, but running towards to. And perhaps what I needed was to return to the roots of my origin, and by merely coming here to claim my freedom back I found a home that I had been denying to myself for as long as I can remember, a home that will stay with me no matter where I go.

and a new day dawned

One day too late, a day too soon...

I get out of the cab and close the door, cross the street without looking back, losing myself in the crowd, walking through the mist of raindrops hanging like a veil over the brightly lit city, cars and people passing me by, steam and laughter behind my back… I quicken my pace and walk into the building, climb the flight of stairs, short of breath, open the door to a room that suddenly seems to have acquired so much space, breathing in the silence that has settled in…

There is nothing more comforting and beautiful than solitude…

I stay up late, watching the lights in the windows go out one after another, and somewhere far away it is Christmas day – a life that seems so distant and remote…and once again I’m dreaming of places I’ve never been before and long past midnight the night sky speaks to me and it comes- the snow- light and flaky, a cloud of silver butterflies, bringing dreams to the rooftops of a city that I call home.

just come to istanbul...

Come... i'll show you

how many more dishes did i have to break to finally let go...

to all the unbroken dishes and the unspoken words
unreleased anger and spiteful grudge...
i'm letting it all go
and it's falling, falling at my feet

"every chip from every cup, every promise given up,
every reason that’s not enough
is falling, falling at [my] feet.

everyone who needs a friend, every life that has no end,
every need not ready to bend
is falling, falling at my feet.


[they]'ve come crawling, falling at my feet.

[You]’ve come crawling, now you're falling at my feet.

all fall down...

all the manic taste faces that you pull,
all the action is none of that you control,
the graffiti rolling down on five feet tall,
and the compromise you make for soon.

all fall down...

all the effort makes it all the bigger deal.
all the radio waves, electronic seas.
had to never give? had to simply be?
to know when to wait this blessed simplicity.

in hope shall I trust. in heaven I’ll be staying.
teach me to surrender. not my will, my will.

-u2

Blue morning...

Night is turning down, dawn is getting close and it always comes soon, oh way too soon. And this morning the air smells of snow...

***

Living out the dream

A woman alone in a big city...

and once i said
"i think i am happy..." how do i know?
I still dont know what it is that defines happiness, just as i do nt know what makes me so ultimately happy, but what i do know is what this happiness feels like."

Once I dreamed of decadence. Now it’s all I’ve got—life of decadence, in the very heart of downtown Yerevan, in the city that like me, seems to have turned restless, throbbing beneath my feet with its rapid pace, in its incessant stream of cars, humming, roaring behind my window, glowing at night, dawning its morning light on me as I come out, arms wide open, embracing the day.

Yerevan, I can’t hold you close enough.

Oh the decadence, raspberries and truffles, overpriced bagels and apple walnut crepes, hours spent at my coffee shop, lazy afternoons as I sit and watch the city from above, slanted rays sliding over the rooftops… Late night outings, loud music and laughter, endless talk, and the rhythm of the day and night, day and night as I’m living every moment of a life that I once dreamed of and am watching now to turn into my reality…intoxicated with my own freedom in its absolute shape and form that’s almost too sweet to bear… This is how I know that I am happy. And I accept it, unquestionably.
And I walk on, with the lines of my song blasting in my ears…

“And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
And I kneel cause I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you’re not…”

I kneel cause I want you some more
I want you some more, I want you some more…"

-u2

notes to self

I sit and marvel at the thought of how easy it has become to let go. I’m slowly letting go and every minute brings relief. Every breath comes with that much more ease. No more weight pressing upon my shoulders, no more chains tied around my chest.
I no longer wonder. I no longer dwell.
I’m letting it all go. And I’m slowly becoming.

Too late for fall

The smells of fall, late fall, bitter sweet and tart, of wet leaves and soil, of chestnuts…. And I’m craving cider and cooked apples, cinnamon and nutmeg and roasted almonds, hot steam and the smell of wet soil again, and leaves and trees and rain…

***
Gray morning and the sun hardly touches the ground. Streets half asleep with no one around, and we come out, still warm with sleep and head to the coffee shop right around the corner, where they serve strong coffee and early breakfast and I smile as I watch you eat and the day begins.

We stroll down the streets in the afternoon chasing sunrays and looking for bright spots and you laugh at me cause I always run into people and stumble on the little cracks on the pavements, and we walk into that park set aglow with sun and golden leaves, and I have an urge to grab a bunch of them and throw them all over you and I laugh as you try to take me in your arms, and we fall on beds of leaves, laughing, laughing like kids and I watch the sun caught in your eyelashes that are almost white and your eyes are pools of light that bear the reflection of the sky and the sun is now on my face and the instant freezes in the eye of my mind while the world swirls in a collage of vanishing leaves.

It’s twilight and long shadows start to stretch, The sky turns pale, the first star appears, street lamps come out one after another and the city is lit with neon lights. We’re still in the street, a little dizzy with cold and too much happiness and steam comes out of your mouth and I’m craving for a smoke and at home there is dinner and the night grows dark and thick behind the window, you turn off the light and let darkness in and I curl next to you, listening to your even breathing, fading into you and into a warm soft pit that closes us in…

And long after midnight I go into the kitchen and turn the heater on and we sit at the table drinking tea, and the night is long and an eternity away from dawn and tomorrow we’ll sleep in and I look at you and realize that I’m in love with you all over anew, and yet it’s too late, and I’m dreaming love again, we’re too late for fall and I love you.

The horizon lost...

The view from my window

all the leaves i came to love are falling...

running with my wet face on
today i woke up feeling sad
i know that you said that one day i would be glad...
hold the choirs of winter
birds are calling to me
all the leaves i came to love are
falling
ribbons on the evergreens, owls that pull them apart
i can hear you singing my funny valentine
oh you know that breaks my heart
running with my rain face on
no idea of what to say
no idea of what to do
in this fear that never goes
waiting for all my dreams...

faithless
evergreen

mean

... just leave

Change of the season...

A woman asleep in a lonely apartment downtown.
Late in the afternoon and it’s raining.
She wakes with a start and sits up. She lights a cigarette
and goes to the kitchen to make tea. It’s cold. She
places her arms over the stove. She coughs. She coughs
constantly.

She remembers her dream.
In her dream she is with a man. She can still feel the
warmth that was present in the dream She can’t see the
face, but she remembers every touch. Firm muscles under her fingers. The feel of the skin. The weight of his body,against hers. The grip. The tight embrace. The intensity.

She slowly bends down struck by sudden attack of pain.
Never has she known a longing stronger than this. A longing of warmth, of touch, physical contact. Never has she known it could be so fierce, so painful…The body, her own body with a mind of its own, is speaking it now in little sobs that grow louder an louder until it is unbearable to hear, and she can’t understand what it is that her body wants and why it hurts so badly.


A woman leaning over a notebook, writing her dream with
rage and fury, while hot tears run down her face. She tears pages on after another, but places them in front of her. She tosses those half written pages and runs her fingers through her hair, rubbing the temples the cheekbones, lines on the forehead…

She cannot put an end to the dream. She cannot complete it. There is no closure. This is a dream with no end. A dream of craving. Craving for warmth.

It's raining- the circus is closing

Today I woke up feeling cold, and for the first time this year I had to close the window and get another blanket. And I knew that it’s only now that the summer’s officially over, and not a few weeks back, when I closed the door to that other apartment, thinking that it was the end…

The summer’s over now, although I have already put my summer clothes away, the summer’s over, even if I have already said all my goodbyes, and just like I neatly folded and packed away my clothes, I will have to pack the memories away, wrap them up, seal them with wax and put them away, on the top shelf in the back of my mind, where they will be safe and free of dust— yet another summer of kaleidoscopic events, of the heat and the sun, watered streets of Yerevan smelling of freshly cut grass, blue and cloudless skies, and me, happy, delirious, a butterfly on the sidewalk with rainbow colored wings, crazed and dazed with the sun and with my own freedom- and now it’s gone, the summer, - I have outlived it, I have outgrown and survived it- my summer of becoming, the summer of acceptance…

The circus is closing…
I stand there, watching them all leave and I wonder about things that they will let me keep, things I’ll remember, and what I will forget, and what it is that I will be missing most, when I look back at what seems now only a colorful swirl that seems to have lasted only an instant…
The circus is leaving- and yet I remain.
I’m slowly becoming.
And I proceed…

Harsh

What makes you think that what happens to you is special in any way?
Is different, has some meaning, rather than being a weird play of circumstances, just a sequence of random occurrences of one kind or another? What makes you think that you’re special in any way, that your story somehow stands out from the millions and millions of other stories of other women? What makes you think…. that all that happens to you has some kind of purpose, other than being one of the millions of the experiences that so many people have, simply adding up more weight to the sack of your own experiences that you carry on your back, refusing to part with them and tiring yourself to death dragging it on and on… This is what makes you jaded… and you wonder why you’re as apathetic as you are now?

What makes you think that giving different names to things that already have their objective, already used and abused and overly common and banal names would change them even a bit, make them different, yours only, and hence unique? What makes you think you’re unique anyway? Aren’t you human after all? And thus subject to all human emotions and thoughts and everything else? Do you think it gives you any sort or kind of excuse to justify your own behavior which you perfectly well know is unjustifiable? And that the overall picture viewed from aside is exactly what you’re trying to ignore- putting yourself in some kind of denial, merely looking for delusion after delusion and thus ending up in the most absurd and ridiculous situations? You stamp your foot on the ground and say that it’s through this absurdity and nonsensical behavior that you get to experience what you wouldn’t have otherwise. You say that it’s through randomness that you learn to see a pattern… You say that you’ve changed, that you’ve grown and matured and have learned the lessons for which you had to pay such great prices and suffer so many losses… And yet, can you not see that the way you act and react is not much different than what it was when you were sixteen? At least you didn’t have the arrogance back then to make assumptions of being always right for choosing to do whatever would come to your mind at the spur of the moment…

How many more blows can you take? Till when can you continue to destruct yourself causing more and more harm to your body and soul, tormenting them like you wouldn’t treat even your own enemy… Are you your worst enemy? Is it what you think you deserve? Shouldn’t there be some kind of self-respect towards your own self before you can appreciate the respect of the others? These days you are rather annoyed when there is even a hint of praise directed towards your way… and why is that? Perhaps because you do not have much respect left for anything or anyone, and first of all towards yourself? Afraid to face what comes so close to being the truth? Yes, it is the truth, and I am speaking it to you, the judge, the harsh critic that’s been living in your head all this time, and the voice that you’ve so successfully learned to block and repress lately…Why do you always have to learn through pain, through the hardest way… because for some reason once you have told yourself that you do not want an easy life, a life that has at least some grain of rationality in it? So what kind of life do you actually want? Life that makes no sense, even to yourself, life that’s confused and nonsensical any way you try to look at it? But this is what I want, you say, and now, left to your own devices, all you do is sit and wait for some kind of sign, another cryptic cosmic message so that you can confuse yourself even more?

Is there a limit on how jaded you can get? Is there a limit on how much pain you can endure? Is there a limit to how much time you waste and to the degree of damage you cause to yourself before you kill yourself and drop dead without even noticing how you slowly extinguished yourself, and what a waste… Such a waste, Such a waste of time, and faith and everything that went into making you, on who you grew to become, on who you really are, and who you could have been had you had more foresight in the past, have you had more reasoning and common sense… You said you wanted to be a woman alone. A free woman. What makes you think that this was the path to your womanhood, that you have chosen it right, that this is the only way to go, the only road that you can claim as yours among so many that lay in the vast expands of endless possibilities. You say that’s what you want, these unlimited, neverending possibilities, because without them you say there is no freedom, because without them your life comes to its end...
So what do these possibilities offer you, what is it that you have? Womanhood interrupted? Ruins and shambles and once again the real risk of falling apart within a blink of an eye, within the slightest blow of the wind, and the slightest breath of the wintry cold… You know you are going to fall apart, even if you stay intact from the outside, you know that sooner or later you will have to face what you’ve been avoiding all these years, face and accept and perhaps swallow all these truths that you knew were there, and yet you were too proud and to stubborn, even to yourself, to accept what was so obvious right from the beginning… Has denial become your new mode of existence? Have these quasi-relativistic speculations become your only tools of dealing with what you have no courage to deal with? There pretty much is Right and Wrong, you chose the easiest relativist path, the lowest level of the most abject nihilism so that you can try and justify yourself, but you know the wrong of your own actions, you know what you should and should not have done, you knew it right from the beginning, didn’t you? When all you wanted was to jump headfast in to the whirlwind of crazy events and let them carry you away, because in speed you tend to lose your mind, because speed is faster than the flow of your thoughts, and thus you have an excuse not to think, not to do anything, but merely float and how little effort does it take to try and stay afloat? You know you’re going to fall apart even if you say to yourself that you’re holding yourself in one piece— in this latent breakdown that you are already going through…

How little effort does it take to try and stay afloat and what does that accomplish?
Is there a limit on how jaded you can get? Is there a limit on how much pain you can endure? Is there a limit on how long you can go on, trying to pretend that you’re strong and tough and so very perfect. Will you ever get rid of your self-righteousness?

And if there is a limit, where is it…

The loss that you cannot replace...

I've been dreaming about losses. The kind of painful and strenuous dreams that leave you numb and drained in the morning- you no longer notice the physical pain, all there is is the bottomless pit of emptiness, pressing hard against your insides, creating a sort of vacuum that's almost unbearable, and you move through your day as a sleepwalker, knowing that at night there will be the same dream waiting for you in that dark corner of your mind and you dread the minute of going to bed, because you know you won't escape what you've been trying to avoid in broad daylight.

They say the price for knowledge gained through experience is your innocence. And yet, there are certain things i wish i had never learned- i wish i could claim that innocence back, giving up all that knowledge that i've gained at such a high price...
the experience of pain... the experience of loss. A kind of loss that you will never fully come to comprehend, let alone to reconcile with... A kind of loss that cannot be replaced or recovered from... i wonder how long it takes to heal... as much as this healing is possible in a given situation...
a month... a year... or until another loss and anothe pain come to replace this one?
or until you find something that will at least partly fill that void that will stay within you for a long long time...and what do you do till then? How do you continue living with this loss that you know will not be replaced...

How long does it take to heal...

"...Tears stream down on your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
tears stream down on your face
and I will try to fix you..."
Coldplay

and another... short story

A man, relatively young, and yet already jaded- running away from something or rather, from himself, into a distant part of the world, in search of some kind of sanity, or rather normality, in a place where everything appears skewed and crooked…

He runs around, sleeps around, makes himself acquainted with these unfamiliar ways, and makes himself comfortable in his new surroundings so much that he has no wish to return to the place where he has come from. Meets a woman, conventional in every way- a solid, bulky, traditional woman who promises only stability and devotion, unlike the eccentric and neurotic flighty pieces he used to end up with… A woman with a good hand and a stable head, the woman who will know how to run the house, how to hold the family on her shoulders, how to raise the kids… a woman who’s a great investment into a future that speaks of stability and prosperity and is as conventional as it could be…the only thing slightly out of ordinary being that she’s foreign, but that’s also rather banal, isn’t it? Seems to happen all the time- foreigners, and mostly Americans, marrying women from cultures drastically different from their own- these women either being the exotic pieces or those stable, devoted women that know how to take care of their men… so overall, a banal story, and by writing the outlines I pinned him down and now he’s done, finished, limited to a conventional life he chose to live… but I’m still not convinced and I wonder what it really is that makes American men resign to these godforsaken corners of the world and end up marrying foreign women to live their lives happily ever after?

And i'm dreaming of improbable places again...

"i want to live in a small town in deep South in the States. I want to live in a town where summers are hot and long and careless and women are full figured and wear long dresses and practice magic and men speak in this almost musical Southern drawl and there's music seemingly everywhere…and there's a street named Sullivan Street…"

"Why's that?"

"i don't know. I can just see the place, that town with its people, it all seems so real, uncomplicated. Funny, of all places in the world i want to be in this middle of nowhere place. Do you know a place like that?"

"Well, i am not sure. You're asking for too much, lady. Long dresses and magic...Move to New Orleans."

"But that's a city, I want a small town"

"How's Tennessee? Not quite deep south, but still… Maybe Memphis?"

"Not quite…"

"What then?"

"Don't know. I guess you'll have to find it yourself…guys would call you sweetheart and tell you you're pretty" he said this in this deep southern accent, purrty, made me laugh.

***
and the next day...

"i'm sad..."

"why's that?"

"that whole small town dream... i just want real life. with real people. real men. there are no real men left anymore. they're either fags or too pretentious, too snobbish or too stuck up. or too young even at the age of thirty. sigh. are there really no real men left?"

"hmmm, you're looking at one..."

"yeah, but you don't count..."

"thank you very much i don't."

"perhaps to your missus... i just want real people with real lives. lately i'm getting a feeling that all i see around me is some kind of immitation of life that's being lived elsewhere. yeah, i'm going to move to that southern town one day. just to see how real THAT feels"

"Oh, come on, you just want to get yourself some southern love..."

"Maybe...or i'm just confusing real with redneck. go figure."

"...true potential manifests itself in the one who could, but at present prefers not to act. only in the moment of suspended action does potentiality show itself in its pure form..."

It's August...

... it's not over yet, the summer is not over yet, the heat will persist almost until October, but it will end, eventually, like everything else... sooner than I think, sooner than i'll have time to notice.

I've come to accept the end...

it's not over yet, but it has already ended in my mind, for i know exactly how it is going to be, i can see it so clearly. It's a surreal feeling being at two points simultaneously, a situation when your mind is two steps ahead into the future from where you actually are at the present moment. And i watch myself, from this advanced vantage point, and last night i said out loudly.
«Ever been able to view everything from a point somewhere in future, able to predict your each and every action, watching yourself as it you're watching something staged, already known...»

"You're talking riddles..."

Talking riddles, talking riddles, talking riddles...
There seem to be way too many puzzles and riddles these days, way too much symbolism around. And now the most symbolic month of the year has started... and i'm talking riddles.

In two weeks i'll move into the apartment downtown, it will be four weeks of absolute solitude amidst the busy life of the city crazed and jaded in the summer sun. i can see myself locked inside that apartment, spending hour after hour in nothing but silence, while the city roars behind the soundproof windows... i can see hours stretching long and thin, as i sit motionless playing the game i've always played... i can see myself at the end of the month, packing up my things, not to leave even a trace of my existence, closing the door to the apartment, and the summer gone, but never to be forgotten...

There is only one word to be said in the end, acceptance.
i have learned to accept.
i've come to reconcile with what seemed to be the most difficult thing to reconcile with in the past. i have already accepted and i know i will move on, gone... as if i never existed...

it's not time ...
it is not over yet
august has just started today
august and everything after...