As painful as it is, it's become equally painfully easy to deal with it now. At some point i decided that it should no longer be so complcated anymore. It needn't be. The effort always turns out to be a waste anyway. You're right, laugh it off or shrug it off- move on, walk on- there's always a turn and a bend, and who knows what's around the bend. Something better or something worse- if there's such a thing as better, and not what goes best with the given circumstances. You always believed in circumstances anyway- the queen of randomness, a convert to chaos, no longer looking for cryptic reasons and cosmic causes- there's too much randomness in the universe for your little mind to figure out- how arrogant for you to assume that you could, even for a moment, get a glimpse of what lies there, beneath the thick layer of what you have finally come to call reality.

And yet, there was a time when i tried to see a pattern out of chaos, there was a time when i believed in reasons and meanings and pretty ideals. I laugh at myself now. I shrug it off. Turn away and leave. Since i no longer want to stand there watching the last hero walk away.

and so it is...

Just like [you thought] it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

The shorter story
No [fuss], no glory
No hero in [the] sky...

*

life in slow motion somehow it dont feel real...

reality overlap

" i see things that happened. i encounter images of myself in various places, but only at distance, as though i were watching someone else... it's out there, beyond what i can feel or touch, beyond anything that has to do with me..."

Paul Auster
Urban/modern nothingness

Laugh it off, shrug it off, joke it off, sleep it off- it will pass, like everything else... and yet, who am i kidding? it's not the clouds moving in the sky, it's my mind shifting, back and forth, from uncertainties of the day to firm determination to complete lack of orientation to sudden awareness and realization... and back again, always the same circle that gets me trapped inside my own mind.

I'm too old to be delusional. Too tired for this sort of thing. I should have been thicker skinned instead of crying over something so elusive that i cannot even grasp.
Shrug it or fake it, or better ignore it- it's something you blacklisted yourself and shunned it away. you say you dont want it. You're not cut for these sort of things. Not for this lifetime, anyway. So shrug it off or cry it out... and move on. You will be gone- soon.

uncertainty

the already way too familar eerie feeling that stems out of the unsureness with the reality. Sleepwalking through some kind of black and white world to switch back to sunlight and color again... yet the creepy feeling persists and it makes me shiver...

a part of me wants time to pass more quickly. I want to see what's going to happen, impatient to find out how the events will unfold themselves and where i will end up after i take another breath to stop and look back.

for right now, i'm clueless...

and yet, sometimes i have to stop and ask myself whether it is really necessary to twist everything around and put myself in the most absurd and least expected situations in order to be able to achieve that sense of normality that i've been looking for. I wonder whether there is a safer way of staying in touch with my own sanity and not break my back without having to fold over backwards, in a vain attempt to brings lose ends together...

Let me find my own definition

even if i myself wish to stay undefined...

Perhaps a lack of definition is in some way a definition of its own...

Give me a day,
Make it a week,
Everything will fall into their right places.


Give me a day,
Make it a week,
There an entire summer yet to be lived...

Spective. Reoccuring-rephrased

You think it’s easy
Sometimes it’s easy
But it’s not easy- you’re gonna break down and cry
You’re not important
You should be grateful
And if you’re wondering why…


There are questions you do not ask….
Because you no longer want to know the answers. You don’t need them, just like the questions themselves, they’re pointless…So you push these questions far back to the corner of your mind, keeping them quiet and still, locked.

And there are questions you do not ask no matter how badly you want to know the answers. You try to ignore them, hoping that these questions will outlive themselves and disappear completely from your event horizon…
It’s not important,
It does not matter- you keep saying to yourself… cause you know that deep down you already know the answers to even the unborn questions and the only thing you can do is accept them each in its own time.

And you live day by day in self inflicted bliss of denial and ignorance, choosing it as your only mode to exist, knowing that the only thing you can ask and hope for is that you wake up the next morning…

* I no longer question. I merely accept. And I’m no longer afraid of pain- you don’t question pain just like you don’t question your own happiness…

I’m no longer afraid of getting hurt- and by having realized this I seem to have somehow eliminated all the possible pain I may have to endure at whatever point in the future.

Still, I wonder whether this is yet another sign of being jaded or another step towards “self-liberation” (and I laugh at myself for having to use the “term”)

Gone. Disappeared. Vanished without a trace. Dissolved in the air. As if i never existed. Shifted realms, entered a new paradigm and in my dream I'm dreaming about a dream that is the future long lost to the past only to wake up and find it in my reality.

[perhaps this should have been posted under paranormal]

In the arms of a different sky

"make a circle in the sand
make a halo with your hands
make a place for me to land..."

cc

["Sometimes in this world there are things that make us question who we are. Question why we treat people the way we do and how people treat us. A cold night, grey sky, a lonely apartment, a phonecall. No matter how hard we try to figure out who we are and why others are the way they are, there is no single answer, no true solution. Time is the essence of it all, the ticking of the clock determines the fate of the world, the family, the relationship, the individual. The wrong tick, the wrong tock, the wrong moment in time. Yet with every passing tick it gets easier, with every passing tock it gets brighter. As time passes with sunrise and sunset, the air gets colder, then it gets warmer. There is no physical way to put it in reverse, look through the rearview mirror and take that right instead of that left. We are all bound by time, place, limits. Sometimes we just wish we could take that U-turn, back to the intersecion, stop, step out, look around, ask the same question with a new perspective and take a different path. NO REGRETS. We are limited to who we are now, not then, not going to be.
I will never forget.
I will always be here with my car in drive, listening to the clock go tick-tock and waiting for the next intersection. I will always be here. I will make time."]

In retrospect... quoting

"Because i was permanently confused, dissatisfied, unhappy, tormented by inadequacy, driven by wanting towards every kind of impossible future... I dont think i saw people except as appendages to my needs. It's as if i lived in a brilliantly lit haze, shifting and flickering according to my changing desires...
Maybe this is only a description of being young..."

Doris Lessing

It's spring behind my window...

Hitting the bottom to climb up again

What does it take to recover?
Why is it taking so long?
Does it have to get worse before it starts getting better?

I've lost the count of days in an endless wait.
stuck in between two worlds, neither here, nor there, but somewhere else, in the back of my head... trapped inside the four walls i so tried to once escape...

and yet, the more i think about it, the more i realize that there really is a reason to all this. perhaps i'd never have another chance to face all that i once wanted to forget, trying to deny the roots of my origin- this very room, the old view from the window, the endless hours spent dreaming of the moment when i'd be able to leave it all behind, and go without looking back.

it's only now that i know that there are always things that you can't leave behind

the gutter you've come from will always be with you- it gives you more room to spread out your roots. and yes, you are rooted to where you have come from and i'm finally coming to accept it.