Don't you think it should work like this?

You have a desire, you dwell upon it, move with it, and presto, it manifests?

Or you have a huge question, you turn it over to me, forget about it, and ta-da, you just know. Me too. Which, actually, is exactly how it does work, Nika…

Cool, huh?

The Universe

You know who I really, wholeheartedly envy, Universe? People who know exactly what it is that they want and then go for it, without looking left and right, following it through and not changing their mind in the process. I remember a long while ago, one of my former bosses (now a friend) told me how you’ve got to figure out that it is that you want, figure out where you want to see yourself in the future, make a detailed plan for five, ten, fifteen years, then follow your plan one step at a time until you finally get there. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Well, it really isn’t for someone as ambivalent and inconsistent as I am. Cause shit, if I had a nickel every time I changed my mind in the last ten and even five years, I would probably have a secured retirement plan under my mattress now and wouldn’t have to worry about anything else.

I was too young to have any kind of ambitions fifteen years ago beyond studying advanced math and physics in a cold room in candlelight, playing the piano five hours a day and nurturing whatever crush it was that I had for whoever it was that sat next to me in the class. Ten years, on the other hand, was long enough for me to come to the States for the first time, go back home, get accepted to a school I cared little about, take up swimming and deciding to quit school to become a swimming coach, quit swimming instead, then decide to quit school again so that I could stay at home and write, but getting a full time job instead while still in school, then decide to transfer from a language school to Florida Institute of Technology to study genetic engineering, getting the application all ready to go, then changing my mind, thanks to my biologist mom (who kindly brought up the issue of ethics – damned, it’s always the ethics that seems to get in my way). Then decide to get married instead. Get married actually. Think that it will be a good idea to become a yoga instructor. Never follow through with it. End my marriage. Go back home to Armenia. Decide to join the army of do-gooders. Apply to do-gooder graduate school. Get accepted. Move back to the States. Actually go to graduate school thinking that I know exactly what it is that I want to learn from there… Now a semester and half through graduate school it turns out that I know nothing about what it is that I want to learn from there… Ambivalence is truly a bitch, aint it? Does anyone happen to know if there is a twelve-step program for those wanting to recover from being inconsistent? Cause I will sign up right away, unless I change my mind again, of course.

You know who else I happen to envy more than anything else? Those who seem to be in what I call a perpetual Peace Corps age and mindset and will get a bag packed within a day’s notice to move wherever it is they think their next calling is. I thought that was exactly what I wanted – running around from one corner of the world to another, without having to settle down anywhere in particular. It would fit quite nicely with my inconsistent personality, wouldn’t it? Well, turns out that somewhere during my stay in Richmond while waiting to go to school I lost that mindset. Turns out, that one thing that has been consistent in the last couple of years is a sudden realization that what I need more than anything else is what I once called normality (see the previous post)– but is more along the lines of stability and security of having a place that you can call home, settling down, living a most ordinary and routine life one day after another… and actually being happy living such unambitious life.

So here’s a dilemma – on one hand I am more inconsistent than anyone I happen to know. On the other hand, all I seem to want is… consistency and stability in its most lackadaisical form. I could speculate at lengths that it is only logical to want something that you most lack… but given the circumstances, I am not sure if I can trust even that. So what was it that you were saying to me, Universe?

Around this time last year I wrote...

I keep telling myself that all I want is some sense of normality and a little peace of mind. But I stop right there without further questioning of what this normality entails. What exactly does it mean, normality, to me- this one, seemingly simple, and yet the most relative, subjective and changeable concept of all? Where do I draw the line, my own personal line, between what’s normal and acceptable and what’s not? How do I make my own definitions of uniform ordinariness? And why, why is it that this sense of normality is so important to me now?

Once I used to find comfort in a newfound realization of how similar we, as humans, are. And how much there is that we share in common. Made it easier for me to accept and understand myself and relate to someone outside of my skin; gave me compassion and tolerance towards others for merely being human... And being connected to every other human and not alone in our behavior patters, thoughts and emotions. It made me happy – just thinking about it. Somewhat relieved of unnecessary pressure of trying to be different, special in some way. Even remotely distinguished by something other than being just another human being...

But then, i can't help but question whether this is a cryptic way of justifying my complete lack of ambition or any kind of aspiration for not wanting something that would make me more distinguished than the person next to me. And whether this lack of desire is as humble as it may appear at first glance or simply a sign of laziness, as if by accepting my averagness I’m giving up the effort to be something more, something better – at least a better version of myself, if not distinguished.... but then, again, i ask whether there is even half as much comfort in this sense of distinguishness as there is in the ordinariness of someone who's humble in his own humanity…

What I want is simple. Ordinary. Uncomplicated. Real. Tangible. And not abstract. I need a sense of security, stability, a sense of being protected… some kind of confidence of being able to deal with whatever future may hold for me. Wanting a place that you can call your own, a place that will give you the protection you need and partially the sense of security. A need for a home… your own home- these are all simple and ordinary things, yet very concrete things to want and need… it’s natural for someone to want to have it, is it not? It’s normal, human… basic - is it not?

If it is so, then why is it that a certain part of me feels guilty, somewhat guilty, that by wanting and choosing those things I’m forgetting and leaving out something that might be just as important? Perhaps not as common and ordinary, but as equally important?

This Week In Development – Did Someone Mention Growth?

The Caucasian Tiger or what’s behind the pretty picture of Armenia’s economic growth.

During the last decade, the economy of Armenia has been showing steady growth reaching over 13 percent in the last year (see the graph below). The impressive growth of the country has been compared to that of East Asian Tigers in earlier decades, giving Armenia the name of Caucasian Tiger by the Word Bank experts.

For those interested in reading more about country’s “stellar” performance, current situation and further policy advice, check out The Caucasian Tiger: Sustaining Economic Growth in Armenia recently published by the World Bank (also available at Google Books).

Using some of the information from the book, as well as PRSP of the country, below find a very brief brief on the history of growth.

Armenia gained independence after the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991. The rapid transition from one economic system to another resulted in economic crisis due to the country’s lack of institutional infrastructure to function in market economy. At the same time, the country was still dealing with the still tangible aftermath of a devastating earthquake of 1988, as well as experiencing a large influx of refugees into the country from Azerbaijan due to the ongoing Nagorno-Kharabakh conflict. The country was in blockade, had shut down its main source of energy – the nuclear power plant and was undergoing a period that in economic terms was characterized by hyper-inflation, drastic increase in unemployment, liquidation of previously owned state enterprises, migration and emergence of widespread poverty among the population (55% according to 1992 estimates).

The country’s economy started showing growth in1994, when series of reforms re-established macroeconomic stability in the country and created favorable environment for economic growth. The average GDP growth from 1994 to 2002 was 6.68 percent, with a gradual increase to 13.4 percent in 2006 (see the graph).

Source: World Development Indicators 1990-2006

World Bank experts attribute this growth to successful implementation of “first generation” policy reforms that lowered the inflation and created macroeconomic stability which led to expansions of markets and growth of the private sector. Poverty dropped from 55 percent to 26.5 percent (2004 estimates). Large amounts of capital inflows into the country in form of official development assistance, contributions and private transfers by the Armenian Diaspora and remittances also played their part in the growth of the nation’s economy.

This doesn’t mean that the country isn’t still poor. The aforementioned book gives a detailed outline of what’s still wrong together with policy advice, similar to those outlined in country’s PRSP on how to deal with the existing constraints to the sustainability of growth, such as unemployment, unhealthy taxation system, still unstable business environment, poverty in rural regions, so on and so forth.

Now, those who are REALLY concerned about the state of the Armenian economy and the quality of recent growth, check out what independent experts have to say. Concerns raised in these posts appear to be quite legitimate - economic growth weakens, instead of increasing the competitiveness of the country's markets. It is unevenly allocated among the population - inequality between rural areas and the capital, where most of the growth is concentrated, is quite tangible. Most profitable imports are monopolized, after having been appropriated by state officials under names of “foreign entities” and there is virtually no foreign direct investment coming into the economy, contrary to belief.

It can be stated that everybody is content and no one realizes that were this dynamics to continue, in ten years this ‘miracle’ can turn into a real crisis, a true hell…

Make your conclusions at your own risk.

Speaking of consumerism - The Story of Stuff

Here's the first chapter of the story of unlimited consumption and what it can and is actually leading us towards to. The whole thing is available here.

Although none of the facts that Ms. Lennox brings here is news to me, it becomes pretty mind-boggling when all of it presented all at once. I glimpsed over the comments that were posted to this video on You Tube, and got even more astounded... Propaganda you might say this little number is, but I don't think you really need to have a college degree to grasp a simple concept that you cannot indefinitely run a linear system on a finite planet. It's as simple as that. Enjoy and feel free to send me hate mail.

From Trash TV to Trash Consumerism

In the light of the favorite collective pink and red holiday of ours, New York Time’s Critical Shopper Visits Victoria’s Secret.

Good ol' pimpin' gone corporate. Hilarity ensues.

Subtleties of eroticism can turn the banal into the fantastic, but Victoria’s Secret has not made its money by being subtle. Its apparent formula for mass-marketing fantasies is to turn the erotic into the banal.

Like a porn star with too many memoirs, Victoria’s secrets are pretty much overexposed at this point. “Ahh, whatever,” Victoria says. “Let me let you in on a little something, girls. You want sex? Hit the guy real hard with blunt sex objects.”

…

Mamas, don’t let your babies go to the Royal Academy of Pink. After all, one of the primary goals of parenthood, to paraphrase Chris Rock, is to keep your daughter “off the pole.”

There is a certain charm in directness, if it’s done right. I am concerned, however, that Victoria seems to be acting out feelings of low self-esteem through indiscriminate promiscuity.

Well, these are times when everything is turned into commodities. Sex sells. It sells quite well. But I guess there’s got to be a line somewhere before it does become a blatant promotion of … promiscuity. Nothing wrong with that, I’ll have to admit, but please don’t let the big guys make uniform choices for you and collect the proceeds in advance.

Source: Cintra Wilson (2008, Feb. 14). Chug-a-Lugging Aphrodisiacs. New York Times.

The love of flying

So lately I have been traveling a lot. And since my most reliable forms of transportation are my own feet and airplanes and because Richmond is nowhere close to being within my walking distance, lately I have been flying more often that I ever thought I would. Long live JetBlue, home of the most legroom in the couch. Besides befriending its whole entire crew, I am starting to feel more and more at home in the most unhomy places in the world, more precisely – Logan International Airport. The same would not be true if I was flying out of, say, JFK - a real nightmare with its perpetual mess of delayed flights and long waits on the runway, and having gone through New York on a couple of occasions, I have sworn to try, at any cost, to avoid this route, unless I am actually going there.

Getting to Logan is an adventure in itself that involves coordinating the flight schedule to that of the commuter rail, getting my usually oversized luggage to the train station, getting on the train, getting off at the North Station and catching a cab from the North Station to the airport. Had I been more adventurous and more concerned about saving money, I would have figured out even a more elaborate plan of changing several subway lines that would eventually lead me to my coveted destination. But since we’re talking ten-fifteen bucks, I find it not worth the trouble and end up chatting it up with drivers, who often happen to be from the motherland (read Russia).

So Logan International, terminal C. How would I ever guess that you’d become one of my most beloved places in the whole entire world? That setting foot past your security check-point would be as exciting and exhilarating as Christmas morning for a kid? Even TSA officers can’t help but notice how happy I look and stop me to ask whether I have just won a lottery and am headed for a grand vacation… Who would have thought that I would come to love your overcrowded food joints, overpriced Wonfgang Putz pizzas and mediocre Starbucks coffee that I get before the departure (the only place that I get Starbucks anymore these days)? Would I have ever guessed that you, of all places in the world, would be where I do the bulk of my school work, as I bide the pre-departure hours trying not to pass out from excitement?

I do love flying. There is something (please don’t laugh) overly liberating in the moment the plane accelerates before the take-off. There is something in that feeling of lightness that gives me a high when the plane is up in the air. Having weathered several trans-Atlantic flights, the short trip to Richmond feels like a breeze, as I leaf through my readings, draft outlines for papers or get my dose of trash-TV, while doing "splits and tap dance and even yoga." And when the pilot announces its initial decen, I get that pang in my stomach, as if the entire city of Richmond is there to greet me with balloons and fireworks and lots and lots of candy…

I have to admit that going back is always a little sad and not nearly as fun, but then going back always involves long lists of things that need to be done, school stuff taken care of, papers handed out, which make my days of Waltham imprisonment pass that much faster before my next trip is up. I leave the airport knowing not only that soon enough I'll be flying again, but that in the matter of a couple of more months I will be leaving Boston behind, if not for good, at least for a long long while.

Early Spring Break

After having written a record number of papers in the last few weeks, staying up too late and getting too little sleep, while simultaneously trying to juggle a world of miscellaneous tasks, I find myself all burnt up and in serious need for a break… which couldn’t have come at a more convenient time. All packed up and heading down South for an eternity of ten days that’s way too short to try and get enough of Richmond but long enough for me to wish that I had never moved up North…

Recently one of my fellow students asked me how things were going.

“Well, I’m seriously considering quitting school to go have babies…” I said, jokingly, not knowing what else to say.

“Really? You? Of all people?” she said with a wow on her face. “You’re always so passionate and dedicated and all over the stuff. Where’s the hope for me then?” The girl actually was NOT joking.

Needless to say, her comment made me think. But before I get to explaining where this quitting and babies business is coming from, I have to tell you how lunatic of an idea it is to look at me as a source of hope. Or motivation. Or anything else that has even a slightest breeze of inspiration. Ask the fat bastard, if you can find him - he’ll tell you.

Now whether or not I believe in development through the established institutional framework is something that I myself am trying to figure out. And trust me, there is nothing all that exciting or inspirational in the process. That there is actually a chance that I might, even for a moment, be perceived as anything close to passionate or dedicated when it comes to school is pretty hysterical. A more accurate picture would be: apathetic, pessimistic, I-don’t- really- care-cause- it’s- not- going –to- matter -either -way and can’t -we -go -home -now? Now add to that some chloric acid, soften it with a pinch of hopeless idealism, then spice it up with bitter skepticism and you got me. Now measure how far it is from the aforementioned passionate and dedicated. And then decide, at your own risk, whether or not you want to look at me as a source of … now what was it that you were saying?

The End Of The World - Happy Monday, Everyone

I'm pretty sure you guys have already seen this, but having watched this little number over six hundred times, I felt that I should give it a respectable spot on this blog. Assuming that we don't blow ourselves up, you Californians keep working on breaking off from the States, and I might change my mind to relocate to Mars to come and hang with you. Provided that you will have me, of course...

Currently reading...

As sad as this sounds, I have to admit that given the nature of my country of origin (i.e. darn underdeveloped) and my current field of interest (i.e. sustainable development), I never did, until recently, look into Armenia’s Poverty Reduction Strategy Paper (PRSP). For clarification, PRSP is a document prepared by governments of developing countries that outline macroeconomic and social policies and programs aimed at reducing poverty. After realizing the importance of government ownership for the development process, donor organizations (IMF and the World Bank) started requiring such documents as a condition for countries to be considered for financial assistance. They are, in a way, mega-proposals, although instead of grants countries receive loans. Follow the link to read more on these documents, as well as skim through the documents and respective country reports on your developing country of choice – they’re available to public both on the World Bank and IMF websites.

I won't get into the whole issue of whether or not PRSPs are a good idea and aren't merely a means of promoting certain controversial neoliberal policies (which I might write about next time I can't go to sleep at night) that the mentioned organizations seem to favor. Not to deviate from the subject of this particular post and getting back to PRSP of Armenia –reading this particular document drove me to the brink of tears, so beautiful and clear it was despite its technical nature, care and compassion dripping from each page. For a moment I thought that I had mistakenly clicked on the wrong thing and am reading a proposal to build some wonder land... There is a lot of things that I don't know about the government of my own country, but I can't believe that I missed the fact that it actually started caring about the poor and is concerned with human development, corruption or environment. From what I keep hearing, the poor are still poor, the rich are getting richer and unless I am missing something, the only strategy that is being pursued is that of fattening wallets on every possible level of bureaucracy. The fact that there's a document out there stating the contrary makes things kind of embarrassing. But then, there are quite a few things about the Armenian government that are embarrassing, so what's one more?

Boxed In

This week in development - this is what happens when you fail to acknowledge the importance of fried pork

In the light of a recent literature review that I had to do on the impact of aid on economic growth for an upcoming pointless assignment, I had a chance to review a few of the leading quantitative studies on the said topic. Without naming any of the names or going into great technical detail, here’s what we find:

STUDY A

Shows that foreign aid positively affects economic growth in developing countries. The study is based on modern economic growth theories, takes into consideration domestic savings, human capital and export and looks at 77 countries over three ten year periods.

STUDY B

Looks at 56 countries over six four year periods and finds that aid has a positive effect on economic growth only in countries that have good policies, and little effect in countries that don’t.

STUDY C

Using the original data from study B, adding a few countries and extending the study period for a few more years, this study finds that foreign aid has no effect on economic growth, regardless the policy environment.

STUDY D

Looks at 107 countries over several ten to forty year periods, with a whole lot more variables, including geography, policy environment, size and shape and comes to a conclusion that aid has no effect on economic growth whichever way you want to look at it. However – the study admits that the results of the research are “fragile” that even minor changes in one of the variables will yield different outcomes.

Looking at these conflicting and inconclusive studies done by respectable economists in respectable institutions, all I can say is – SERioUsLY, GUYS, don’t you have anything BETTER to do than come up with stuff I can’t even quote in papers knowing that at least one of you will contradict whichever other one I want to quote? And REaLLy, don’t you know that you’re dealing with COUNTRIES and MONEY and DONORS and MONEY, which translates to GOVERNMENTS, CONSULTANTS, diamond encrusted HUMMERS and FIVE StAR HOTELS, and lots and lots of fried meat… Did any one of you ever stop to consider either one of these variables in your studies? You don’t think they have any correlation with growth? I bet if you ran one of your fancy tests, however FRAGILE your data was, you’d find a correlation. Now if you will only hire me as a research assistant in one of these studies, I will be more than happy to forget how much pain and anguish your unnecessarily convoluted studies caused me, especially in the last twenty four hours.

In need of an agenda, as sad as it sounds...

Oh, I know, I know - posting a cute, albeit accurate, story stolen from elsewhere after not having written for over a month despite past promises is pretty lame. I can’t really blame the lack of time, since I had an entire month of winter break at my disposal, which, I have to tell you, felt like a honeymoon of sorts. Not that I didn’t have anything to rant about – it’s just for whatever reason I would rather spend my time doing absolute nothing (at best) or watching trash TV (at worst – America’s Next Top Skank, anyone?), than try to gather up thoughts to write up something with any meaning or content of any sorts. Blame it on laziness, or lack of motivation, or on too good of a time that I was having while in Richmond. Speaking of honeymoons – when the boy asked, kind of arbitrarily what I would consider as a good spot for honeymoon, the immediate response that came out at the top of my head was… Beirut, which was greeted by rolling of eyes and a comment that I must be out of my mind (like I didn’t know already).

I do have to admit though that part of the reason that I can’t seem to write much these days is that I am not quite sure what I want to do and where I want to go with this blog. I lack any sort of agenda, both in regards to writing and life in general, which, at times, is quite unsettling, if you know what I mean. The truth is, I do need to come up with some kind of agenda, if not for being able to blog more frequently, at least so that I can get through the remaining few months of school without shooting myself or anyone else in the process. I need some kind of discipline – something that I have never been good with. I need motivation that extends beyond being able to turn in school assignments on time and getting good grades in return, which is not something that keeps me excited on daily basis anyway. And lastly, I do need an agenda so that I can look beyond depression, apathy, and consequent cynicism and make something positive out of a decision that didn’t turn out to be the best one that I’ve made in my life. After all, I am paying way too much money to make myself this miserable. Not that school is all that bad and I am not learning anything in the process. It’s just the fact that after all, it doesn’t really matter all that much – you’re in, you’re out, with the much sought after, although questionably useful piece of paper, that would or would not contribute to the betterment of your own life, let alone the world itself (oh I’m so naive, of course the master’s degree from Brandeis is going to fix everything that’s wrong with the world).

Not to continue this downward spiral of overly depressing chain of thoughts – I do need to make myself write more often, if for nothing else, at least for the sake of my own sanity – and writing, on quite a few occasions, has helped me tremendously to get out of whatever mental loop I was caught at that particular moment… We’ll have to see how it goes.

This week in development - There you go!

This, pretty much, is development in a nutshell. The narrative (below), written and illustrated by Oren Ginzberg, is better told with corresponding illustrations. The (sad) humor of it can be appreciated regardless whether or not you're one of the "development practitioners." Enjoy.

Our original goal was the same as the usual - to bring them sustainable development. However, in this specific case, we encountered an unexpected challenge (as if it isn't so in any other case). It turned out that these people, in their own kind of way, were already sustainable. So all we could really bring them was Development (without really being able to define what development meant in the first place).

We started Participatory Community Development, but they didn't fully (really want to) participate.

We tried income-generating activities... but some people seem satisfied with less than a dollar a day.

We even tried to empower them... but their reaction was more powerful than expected.

So we opted for Multi-Stakeholder Cross-Disciplinary Integrated approach.

We developed innovative Private Sector Partnerships.

We developed vocational skills adapted to a shifting economy.

We developed tough conservation measures to protect the environment from further harm.

And we developed ambitious Social Safety Nets - for those unable to take care of themselves.

This has been a challenging process with many lessons learned. We certainly look forward to applying them elsewhere in the very near future.

But for now, let us just say,
Welcome to the Global Village.

Now you know what is being vigorously taught to me at Brandeis.

The text and illustrations by Oren Ginzberg (2006), published by and courtesy of Survival International.

It's good to be back...

I'm almost done with school, with the exception of a paper that needs to be finished and submitted by this afternoon (anyone wants to help me write about prostitution and masculinities in post-Soviet Armenia?). I also managed to successfully relocate myself to Richmond last night - the airline and travel gods were nice, and despite snow in the forecast, the flights weren't canceled and I made it to Richmond safely and all in one piece together with all three pieces of my luggage.

The guy sitting next to me on the plane, a Richmonder, asked me whether I lived in Boston or Richmond. "Ummm, both, I guess... " I said, still reluctant to consider my stay in New England as "living." Learning that I only recently moved to Boston for school, he asked me how I liked the area. I told him that for whatever reason it just wouldn't grow on me. He seemed to agree. "It's rough town, let me tell you... It doesn't grow easily on anybody."

Oh, I know, I know. It's hard to get used to a town where you'd be lucky to get a smile from a passer by, let alone have decent conversation. When asking for directions, say to the State Capital, you will most likely get "follow the fucking golden globe, god damnit." And of course, twenty degree cold and snowstorms don't make it any easier.

It feels so good to be in Richmond...

It feels good to be done with school, away from the cold (relatively speaking), back to the familiar settings... It's nice to know that there is a place that i can go back to, like one would go back home. It's good to have an entire month completely free, without any concerns and worries. And, of course, the holidays.

A couple of weeks ago, after a mini-meltdown caused by the holiday frenzy, I realized, for the first time, that I still have some deep and unresolved emotional issues that I need to get to the bottom of. I also need to recommit myself to this blog, which, despite my long-drawn absence, is perhaps one of my main sources for self-expression that is fun and therapeutic at the same time. I also seem to have forgotten how to simply be, and be happy, which is what I plan to spend most of my days in Richmond doing.

The invitation to come and see me here is still open to everyone...

For now, let me just say that it's good to be back here and for the sake of sheer entertainment and in the spirit of this holiday season, check this out.

Happy snowy, cold and icey birthday to me...

Photo courtesy of fancyflouers.com

I’ve been quiet for a while. School has been consuming half of my soul, living in Waltham gnawing at the other half, thus contributing to the overall lack of time and motivation to bring about this long-drawn silence of late. However, despite the absence of regular posts, site meter reads show that there are still people periodically visiting this site. Thank you. Really. So for the sake of saving what’s left of my readership, as well as providing some kind of update on what’s happening in my domain (no, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth yet), here’s a brief overview on my overall well-being in general, and my current state in particular, in case you happen to care.

School-wise - school’s fine. Really. No more and no less, that is. I’m not particularly loving it, not quite loathing it entirely (with the exception of one particular class). I am still the disgruntled student that I was at the beginning of the semester, as my past posts will attest to, but for the sake of not repeating myself, I will spare you from the long list of frustrations and apprehensions, and will simply say that, yeah, it’s bearable, it’s going to be over in May and that I will make it through with what dignity and pride I still have left. Grade-wise, on the other hand, I’m kicking ass – turns out I can write pretty good papers, although I’ve never looked at grades as means of measuring progress or accomplishments. Onwards…

Career-wise – it looks like I have taken a completely radical turn as to what I want to do after I graduate. So I’m slowly restructuring – that is, coming to a realization that neither field work, nor micro-finance is what I would like to do with myself at this point. I am more and more drawn to research and policy analysis, and am considering the possibility of getting a PhD in some still intangible future, in some still undefined field. For now, the future, still as vague and uncertain as it can be, concerns me a bit. And yet, I do seem to be confident enough to know that really, I will be fine, no matter what happens or what I happen to chose.

Location-wise –After having lived in the South, it’s a little difficult to get used to New England. Blame the weather. Blame the closed, shielded, unfriendly waspiness. I do find it hard to see myself living here either now, or any point of my life. Despite the historic and cultural magnificence of Boston itself and quaint and artsy cuteness of the nearby small towns, I still can’t quite get it, it still won’t grown on me. Waltham, on the other hand, having neither the quaintness nor the cuteness of nearby towns, has little to nothing to grown on anyway. It depresses the hell out of me. Speak about development – the town needs some serious “lifestyle” development – being the bland dump that it is. Onwards, before I get myself in trouble here…

Fun-wise – my social life leaves much room for improvements. There are days when all I seem to want is to be left alone to read articles and edit papers, or lay on the couch watching CSI re-runs. There are also days when I catch myself feeling nostalgic at the idea of being able to walk into a neighborhood bar, to hang out with local drunks and catch up on gossip… This is when I know how much I miss Yerevan and a certain drunk in particular, which in its turn makes me realize how much time has passed since then, and how much I’ve changed and mellowed in the last couple of years…

Richmond-wise – my frequent trips to Richmond are my saving grace, before I go completely nuts in Smalltown America. I have sublet the cutest room in a cutest row house in the Museum District for winter break. Within walking distance to Carytown and the museums on Boulevard, this is the closest I have lived to the Fan (the area may even be considered the Fan). Needless to say – I’m excited. And would like to extend an open invitations to those who might be interested in coming up for a visit. There. Any volunteers?

Relationship-wise –slowly, very slowly, one baby step at a time I have been recovering all the faith that I lost about relationships in general, and myself in a relationship in particular. My less than stellar track record in this particular area had left me with a reservation that there might be something innately wrong about me and commitments, and everything else that goes into making a functioning relationship. I am slowly coming to realize that after all my fears, mistakes, reservations and plain stubbornness, I am in the middle of a very happy relationship and that is one way of knowing that I finally reconciled all my past conflicts and got my priorities straight. Good to know – turns out it was not all completely hopeless…

Other-wise – to list a few random irrelevances observed as of late - an overall increase in TV watching (particularly CSI – only as little as three months ago I watched almost no TV), drastic decrease in caffeine and nicotine consumption (contrary to what you might think grad school does to you); diet consisting of peanut butter sandwiches, greasy free pizza that they give out at school (Heller school indeed tries to alleviate hunger one student at a time), cafeteria wraps and ravioli - my eating habits are not particularly exciting or exemplary. Yet, it does not bother me at all. Not now. Not at this point. Which I am taking as a good sign. I feel the same way about dropping a course so that the quality of my sleep does not suffer. A big leap forward, I’d say.

So that’s that - my life in a nutshell, kids. Not very exciting, but livable, I’d say. Better, much better than lives of those who do not have what today I am lucky to have and perhaps do not appreciate to the extent that I should. However, despite everything that annoys and frustrates me from one day to another, I do know that I am, still, happy as I’ve never been and forever grateful for everything that I have, - today, tomorrow and for many days to come.

History of Time of Sorts

Long, long ago, before there was even sand in the hourglass, there was a teeny, tiny dot, so small it was virtually invisible -- that was presented to you as a gift.

At first, puzzled and perplexed, you thought it was a joke. Yet, trusting and inquisitive, your intuition led you to accept it and, before long, to carefully examine it.

And lo, after becoming extraordinarily teeny and tiny yourself, you found there was an entrance of sorts into this little treasure, in the form of a long and winding path. So inside you went, through the densest grove of ancient, moss-covered, bending oaks you will ever see. And before long, you found a shiny, gold, old-fashioned key that had been left upon a large, rounded stone, as if especially for you.

With key in hand you proceeded down the path until you arrived at a massive gate. Just above it there was a handwritten plaque for all who might pass beneath it:

"Welcome to the Jungles of Time and Space, Where nothing is as it seems, yet all things are possible. Should you ever feel lost or weary, Forget not from where you have come, And follow the signs..."

Peering between the wrought iron bars, you could see the entire Milky Way Galaxy and a hundred billion galaxies beyond it. Your thoughts raced, your imagination ran wild, and as you raised your key to the sturdy, reinforced lock, slowly slipping it in, and gently turning... there was a sudden flash of light and burst of sound. Whereupon, seemingly light-years later but, in fact, no longer than an instant, you found yourself in the most beautiful human form, living on the most beautiful little planet, having a wonderful life, a wrinkle of curiosity on your brow, reading this very Note, right here and now.
Talk about a sign -
The Universe